Monsters Who Crave Young Flesh
by portioncontrol
Summary: What if season four was different?
1. History of Ice Cream

s4e1 "History of Ice Cream"

COLD OPEN

Troy and Abed enter a brightly-lit version of the study room, quipping to one another about the new school year while a laugh track plays. They do a little performative business with Britta, Annie, and Shirley about glasses. Jeff enters to applause, as does Pierce, and each get some snappy one-liners in.

The scene abruptly transitions to Abed and Britta in Abed's living room. Britta has been giving Abed therapy over the course of the (now-ended) summer. She advises him to "go to a happy place" whenever he feels stressed. Abed's "happy place" is his life as seen through the lens of a traditional multicamera sitcom filmed in front of a live audience.

Annie and Troy enter. Troy displays excitement about the coming school year, while Annie feels ambivalence she tries to hide.

CREDITS

Abed, concerned with the looming threat of finality, retreats again into his fantasy world as the opening credits play. The opening credits are in the style of a traditional sitcom, with lyrics sung by Abed in character ("this is my life, this is my show, it's about me and the people I know") as the 'main cast' of Abed's life are introduced in turn. Abed, Troy, Britta, Jeff, Annie, Shirley, Craig, and Chang, ending with Pierce. A brief montage of moments from the first three seasons of the show is presented, reshot in the flat style of a cheap multicamera sitcom: Pierce coaching Shirley in public speaking, Britta and Annie mud wrestling, Jeff and Abed dancing in the style of _Breakfast Club_, Troy and Abed cosplaying, culminating in a version of Jeff and Annie's kiss at the end of the first season.

ACT ONE

Britta, Troy, Abed, and Annie meet Pierce and Shirley in the halls of Greendale, en route to their first class, "History of Ice Cream." Britta notes in passing that it is the only class they will all seven share in the fall semester. Abed and Troy make reference to their annual fall tradition of making wishes, which Troy observes will end with this, their final year. While Abed frets, Annie expresses nervous enthusiasm for the changing seasons and passage of time; she declares an intent to be a whole new person, more relaxed, part of which will involve pranking. Shirley volunteers to prank with Annie. Annie doesn't reject her overture, but makes it clear she hopes to engage in her hijinks with Jeff.

As the group reaches the History of Ice Cream classroom, they note a crowd of students milling in the hallway outside. Jeff emerges from the classroom and calls them in, explaining the class is overbooked but he came early and saved them seats.

Annie marvels at Jeff's generous behavior. Jeff tries to grumble, but is pleased she's pleased.

As Troy and Britta take their seats, Jeff greets them as a couple. Being seen as part of a couple flusters Britta slightly, and she speaks in a noncommittal way about their relationship. Shirley expresses skepticism, wounding both Britta and Troy.

Before Troy can retort, Craig enters. Craig explains that forged admission slips to the History of Ice Cream class have been distributed, and that over a hundred students are registered for a class with only thirty-five slots. He has, however, concocted a solution; he leads the assembled crowd to students to the cafeteria, where he has set up "the Hunger Deans," an _American Gladiators_-style series of thirty-five athletic competitions. Each competition will have a single winner, each winner will receive a ball, each ball will be good for one seat in the History of Ice Cream class.

Annie, faced by the lengths Craig has gone to, suggests that the group bow out of the competition and find a different class with seven open seats. Jeff, however, thinks this is an unacceptable solution: he needs a history credit, and "History of Ice Cream" is the only history class offered in the fall semester. When Annie asks why he's so adamant, Jeff admits that he took extra courses online over the summer, and needs only the single history credit to graduate one semester early. While the rest of the group have only a minor reaction to this news, Annie is livid, and accuses Jeff of his usual selfishness in finagling them seats in the classroom earlier. Was he only going to tell them he was leaving when it became convenient for him to do so?

Jeff, chagrined, declares that he planned on telling everyone only after they'd all enjoyed the ice cream. Annie does not want to hear it, however; she departs with Shirley in tow, intent on pulling pranks. Jeff calls after her, shouting a line about melting ice cream which he says he'd planned to work into his speech. He insists he is not the same old Jeff, but a new Jeff, and that the new Jeff would win seven red balls, because he could not take the class without Annie and the group.

Troy invites Abed to join him (and Britta) in the annual wishing ritual, but Abed declines, as he's intrigued by the Hunger Deans. Troy frets, but Britta and Abed both assure him Abed will be fine. As they leave, Abed flashes back into his multicamera fantasy.

In the fantasy, the study group sit together on couches, reading magazines labelled "JOBS" and planning for their inevitable graduation. Craig enters, dressed as a sexy pilot, and announces that due to easily foreseeable issues with Greendale's record-keeping systems, the group would need to repeat their last three years of classes. Everyone except Abed is dejected. As the fantasy ends, Abed and Pierce sit on the sidelines of the Hunger Deans. Abed mutters to himself that he wishes to remain in the fantasy forever.

ACT TWO

Craig announces the start of the Hunger Deans with a little rhyme about rope-climbing. Jeff and the rest of the crowd throw themselves at the climbing wall, Jeff fighting off several recurring extras including Leonard and Annie Kim, to quickly claim the first ball. On the sidelines, Pierce cheers Jeff on and struggles to compose a gay panic joke about Jeff and balls Before he can finish the thought, however, Jeff appears, out of breath but holding a red ball. He hands it to Pierce, who thanks him for the touching gesture. Jeff assures him that this ball is not for Pierce: the first ball is Jeff's own ball, but he will win six more.

While Pierce continues to work on a laugh line about Jeff and balls, Abed becomes alarmed by the mention of change, and retreats again into his fantasy world. In the fantasy, the group have resigned themselves to repeating their classes. Annie and Troy consider changing majors. Britta complains that it's ridiculous to start over as frosh, only to immediately recant when a group of scruffy demonstrators holding signs reading "GREENDALE IS UNFAIR TO FRESHMEN," "WHAT ABOUT FRESHWOMEN?" and "FRYSHWOMYN!"

Back in reality, Annie and Shirley sneak into Craig's unlocked office. Initially Annie considers this trespass a prank in itself, but Shirley convinces her to escalate. Annie is surprised at Shirley's pranking acumen, and Shirley assures her it isn't a competition. They decide to fill Craig's car with popcorn, _Real Genius_ style. They've just found Craig's car keys when Jeff bursts in, slightly more disheveled than when we last saw him and clutching another red ball.

Annie is not pleased to see him, even when he explains that this, the second ball, is specifically for Annie. She rebuffs him, but he doesn't have time to continue the conversation and dashes back to the Hunger Deans.

Pierce assumes the second ball is for him, but Jeff corrects him. The first two balls are for him and Annie; Pierce can have the third or the fifth or the seventh, Jeff doesn't care.

Outdoors Britta and Troy arrive at the wishing fountain, armed with a jarful of pennies. He worries that it feels wrong to wish without Abed, but Britta assures him she can ably substitute. They each toss a penny into the fountain, at which point it becomes clear that Troy has a large number of unstated expectations regarding phrasing and choice of wishes, rules Britta didn't know existed until she broke them. They argue, the topic quickly shifting from wish-related expectations to relationship expectations. Ultimately the conflict becomes physical, and they fall together into the fountain.

Annie and Shirley, armed with bag after bag of popcorn, fill Craig's car, as Annie complains about Jeff's selfishness. She's loved their time at Greendale, and it's going to end soon enough anyway, she says. Why rush it? All too soon, Jeff will return to his old life as a lawyer, and forget her (and the rest of the group). Meanwhile, Annie will leave Greendale and become a boring hospital administrator at a boring hospital where they never prank anyone. Who wants any of that?

"Don't you?" asks Shirley.

Annie responds with a sarcastic monologue (ignoring Shirley's attempts to turn it into a dialogue) about how boring and empty her post-Greendale life is likely to be. As the popcorn pops in Craig's car, Annie continues to fume, her ire shifting from the passage of time to Jeff's eventual retreat and regression in particular. Shirley sighs. She comments, largely to herself, that she'd hoped the new year would involve stepping away from intragroup relationship drama that she's structurally barred from participating in.

Back in the cafeteria, Jeff acquires what he calls the third, fourth, and fifth balls in a brief montage which includes violence against extras such as Fat Neil, Annie Kim, Leonard, and Garrett. Now dirty and with a torn shirt, Jeff confronts Craig, ready for the next challenge. Craig announces that the next competition would be a difficult one for Jeff, as it requires complete emotional commitment: the tango! Annie Kim offers to be Jeff's dance partner, but he refuses her, claiming Craig instead. When he rejects her, she makes an oblique comment about the age difference between Jeff and Annie (Edison), which stings him.

As Craig and Jeff dance, Abed retreats further into his mind. In the multicamera fantasy, a freshman mixer has broken down into a food fight, interrupted only when Annie bursts in announcing she was working the administration office when she found their lost records. She holds up a safe containing the records, which strongly resembles one of the red balls. Abed frets, as the protective fantasy breaks down.

Mid-tango, Jeff accuses Craig of masterminding the overbooking of the History of Ice Cream and designing the Hunger Deans as a gambit to prevent Jeff from graduating. Craig denies it, then confesses, and awards Jeff the sixth ball.

Troy and Britta cling together, sopping wet, at the edge of the wishing fountain. Each is sorry for having let their conflict get out of hand. Britta tells Troy that she can't meet his wishing-related expectations unless she knows what they are, and Troy says he's nervous inasmuch as Britta has far more wishing experience than he does. Then he explains that wishing was a metaphor, and then Britta and Troy are making out in the fountain.

As Jeff hands the sixth ball to Pierce, he notices Abed's obliviousness. In the fantasy, Annie is opening the safe when Abed stops her, declaring that he wants them to repeat the first three years. "It's okay, Abed," says the imagined Britta, telling him to go to a happy place. Abed constructs a fantasy within the fantasy, imagining "Greendale Babies," a Muppet Babies-inspired version of the show with Greendale as a nursery and the study group adorable infants who get into all kinds of harmless misadventures.

ACT THREE

The group converges in the cafeteria, their previous conflicts put on hold while they fret over Abed. Troy and Britta are still pretty wet and Britta's sweatshirt is inside out, but they're very cheerful. Shirley wonders whether Abed has retreated into fantasy, as he has in the past. Britta admits she instructed Abed to "go to a happy place in his mind," which sets Troy off as going into his mind is the last thing Abed should be told to do.

Just then Craig announces the final event in the Hunger Deans is about to begin. Jeff glances at Annie, who tells him he should go, and that though he leaves, she knows he still cares (about Abed).

Troy has an idea for bringing Abed out of his spell. He, Britta, Shirley, Annie, and Pierce join hands with Abed. Troy glares at his friend, trying to will him back to reality. However, in the fantasy, the cartoon babies continue their games, oblivious. Troy, chagrined, does not know why he thought this would work.

Jeff decides to forego the final event and returns to the group. In the fantasy, Baby Jeff appears in the nursery and gives a short speech about how change is always scary, but it's necessary. The cartoon fantasy collapses back into the multicamera sitcom fantasy, where Jeff gives another speech about how though times may change, they will always be friends. In the midst of a group hug, the multicamera sitcom collapses and Abed returns to reality. He congratulates Jeff on a good speech, and Jeff points out that he hadn't said anything, that he'd literally just walked up.

Abed claims he made the speech for Jeff, explaining that he had feared change, but that change had brought him to the present situation, and he was ready to embrace it. Jeff tries to put a pin on the speech, but Abed cuts him off. Troy tells Abed that he and Britta made a new rule for the fountain: no rules. Abed claims to be willing to consider it.

Meanwhile Leonard has stolen the six balls from Pierce, meaning the group cannot enroll in the History of Ice Cream. Annie announces an intention to take a work-study job Craig had offered her, which had been in conflict with the History of Ice Cream; in so doing she will integrate herself more fully into Greendale and take advantage of the time there still available to her.

Craig had been eavesdropping and interjects a pleased response at Annie's choice. He explains that the school will be offering an additional history credit for the semester, because if they don't they fail to qualify for certain grants, and he'll ensure that the seven of them are enrolled. Jeff points out that this negates Craig's entire scheme, but Craig disagrees, showing everyone the surprisingly large number of pictures Craig has obtained on his phone, of Jeff and Craig dancing the tango together.

Early the next morning, Chang appears in the street outside Greendale, naked and holding a note. He wordlessly hands the note to a mailman, who reads it: "Hello, my name is Ben Chang. I have Changnesia."

END CREDITS

In a scene in the multicamera fantasy, Abed and Troy cross-dress and Shirley delivers a catchphrase.


	2. Paranormalcy and Paranoia

s4e2 "Studies in Paranormalcy & Paranoia"

(with Giancarlo Esposito as Gus)

COLD OPEN

Shirley, Troy, Abed, and Britta share cookies in the study room as Shirley describes her family's Halloween costumes: she's Princess Leia, her husband Han Solo and their children stormtroopers and an Ewok. Abed, Troy, and Britta are Calvin, Hobbes, and a ham, respectively. Jeff enters, dressed as a boxer.

He explains he planned a paired costume with Annie, and she would be his ring girl. Britta refers to their arrangement as a couples costume, comparing it unfavorably to tiger-and-hamhock. Jeff both denies the word couples and points out to Abed and Troy's Calvin and Hobbes paired costume.

Everyone shrieks as Annie crawls into the room, dressed as the ghost from _the Ring._ She's pleased by their response and smug about her costume's success.

Jeff complains that Annie somehow misunderstood, that he meant the sexy kind of ring girl. Annie responds, huffily, that Jeff had been unclear and that she didn't watch sports and therefore didn't know the term.

Abed points out there's no boxer in _the Ring_. Annie claims she's never seen the movie, and so was not aware of that.

Jeff changes the subject and notes that the group is assembled and ready to leave, as Pierce was not invited to Vicki's party for some reason.

Annie cuts in, in a display of one-upsmanship, and declares she knows why Pierce was not invited to Vicki's party; she cites a past altercation involving a pencil through Pierce's cheek.

Shirley chuckles at the memory, as Troy's phone rings. Troy reports that it was Pierce: he locked himself in his panic room and needs to be helped out.

Jeff decries the call as a stunt, though Annie points out that Pierce is all alone in his mansion, after losing Troy, his mother, and his father. She asserts that they should stop by Pierce's on their way to the party.

Jeff angrily refuses, saying Pierce is simply acting out and calling him a perpetual adolescent.

Annie notes that Jeff would know from perpetual adolescents, neither noticing as Britta, Troy, and Shirley (and a slightly belated Abed) all roll their eyes.

Britta changes the subject by asserting that her new therapy skills will allow her to help Pierce, which no one in the group agrees with. Jeff again insists that he will not go to Pierce's mansion.

When Craig enters, dressed as a sexy ring girl, and asks whether the group is headed to Vicki's party, Jeff abruptly changes course, declaring that they had to make a stop first.

CREDITS

ACT ONE

The group arrives at Hawthorne Manor, Pierce's home. Jeff notes its extremely tacky decor, unfashionable since the mid 1980s. Troy leads the group to the panic room, as he's familiar with its location from the time he lived in the mansion. Jeff expresses reluctance to activate the videoconference system, as it might be a trick, or let Pierce out. Annie snaps at him, as Troy turns the system on.

Within the panic room, Pierce has been sitting quietly. He claims that he was dusting, tripped, and accidentally locked himself in. He could leave using the access code, but he doesn't remember what the code is. It's written in a red notebook somewhere in the house — his bedroom, maybe, or the study. He apologizes for burdening the group, and Britta, Shirley, Annie, and Troy all express sympathy, with Britta confessing she's been locked in way worse places than that, though not against her will. Shirley glares judgmentally at her while Troy blinks in confusion.

Annie assures Pierce they will rescue him, but Jeff objects. He points out that the mansion hasn't been dusted in months, and why would Pierce start with the panic room of all places? Most of the group scoffs at his skepticism, but Pierce confirms he's been lying to them.

The truth, he says, is that he saw something so scary he locked himself in the panic room on purpose, though he truly did forget the code. He's reluctant to explain, as he's afraid the group would call him crazy and old.

Jeff makes a joke about no one calling Pierce, prompting Annie to smack him lightly and reassure Pierce. Pierce confesses that what he thought he saw was his father's ghost.

While Jeff berates Pierce for his obviously fabricated story, Annie leads the rest of the group away to find the red notebook. She tells him to just leave, and they would meet him later. Jeff expresses amazement that Annie is buying Pierce's story, asking how she can be so naive.

It's the wrong question to ask, as Annie stiffens. She may be naive, but she's not Jeff's sexy little ring girl and she won't simperingly follow along behind him for as long as Jeff finds it convenient. She adds that she's seen _the Ring_ three times.

Jeff sullenly trails after the rest of the group.

ACT TWO

Jeff and Shirley amble down a hallway in Hawthorne Manor. Shirley starts to give Jeff directions, but he cuts her off, insisting he knows where they're going and that he pays attention. Shirley's irked by his bad attitude, and Jeff deflects, claiming the house's hideous decor is getting him down. Shirley know this isn't what's actually bothering him, but agrees the house is pretty tacky. Jeff expresses amazement that Pierce has lived here, with his parents, his whole life. Shirley notes that Pierce only lived there between marriages, for a total of thirty-nine of his sixty-eight years. Jeff is surprised Shirley knows how long Pierce's marriages lasted, and Shirely asserts that she, too, pays attention.

They reach Pierce's bedroom, which is as tackily (and cheaply) decorated as the rest of the house. Shirley examines the area around Pierce's bed, finding a blue notebook and leafing through it. Jeff, searching the far side of the room, spots a photo of Pierce's father and comments on how terrible a man he was. Shirley disapproves of speaking ill of the dead, she says, which prompts Jeff to go on a tear about how Pierce's father was a bigot and an abusive parent, and that he's owed no reverence. A chill wind blows through the bedroom as he rants, and Shirley asks him to stop, but Jeff continues, asserting that Pierce's problem is, ultimately, that he never rejected his father, never told him off, never said to himself that it didn't matter who his father was…

Jeff trails off as he and Shirley both realize he's speaking about his own relationship with his father.

In another part of the mansion, Abed and Annie search Pierce's study. Annie finds a reddish notebook and skims it while Abed checks the bookshelves. As Annie is engrossed by the notebook, which is full of Pierce's stream-of-consciousness ramblings about what he finds attractive in women, Abed finds a secret passage in one shelf. He opens it, enters, and it swings shut behind him.

A moment later Annie glances up from the notebook, which she's determined doesn't contain any codes, and is stunned to see Abed has vanished. She spots a shadow out of the corner of her eye and follows it out into the hallway, where she calls for Abed to end whatever prank he's playing. Her own reflection in a mirror shocks her, and she mutters to herself that she did an excellent job with the costume. As she admires herself in the mirror, a man in white wearing an ivory wig (Pierce's father's trademark) appears in the reflection behind her, and she spins around to see no one there.

Meanwhile Britta and Troy wander down yet another hallway. Britta notes that they've passed the same picture of Pierce riding a white tiger twice before, and Troy admits that he's forgotten the precise location of the library. He opens a few nearby doors at random, saying that it was definitely nearby.

Britta points out a door Troy has skipped, and approaches it, but Troy cuts her off. Anxious, he asserts that they don't need to check that room — Pierce told him never to go in there, and anyway he's sure the notebook wouldn't be there. Entranced by the forbidden door of mystery Britta throws it open, then rears back in disgust, as what she's found is Pierce's BDSM sex dungeon, full of paraphernalia.

Troy clearly knew what was in the room and is embarrassed to show it to Britta. Oblivious, she explores, morbid curiosity getting the better of her, and he follows after, trying to lighten his mood with jokes. Finally noticing his embarrassment, Britta assures Troy that he doesn't need to be ashamed for his familiarity with the paraphernalia, and he admits that what he's ashamed of is actually his ignorance. He knows Britta has more experience than he does, and doesn't like to think about disappointing her with his lack thereof. Britta reassures Troy.

As they return to the hallway, a rattling doorknob spooks the pair. Troy cautiously opens the door, discovering Annie on the other side. She confesses she lost Abed, and he frets that Abed tends to wander off, especially at wax museums. While they worry, the scene shifts to a security control room, where Abed sits ignoring his friends as they appear on various closed-circuit monitors, instead watching _Cougar Town_.

In Pierce's bedroom, Jeff and Shirley are locked in a heated discussion: Shirley opines that Jeff needs to confront his own demons, or else he'll end up just like Pierce. Jeff denies any similarity to Pierce, prompting Shirley to rattle off a series of congruences. They're both freakishly tall, they're both skilled liars or think they are, they both live in their father's shadow, neither came to Shirley's sons' piano recital even though she knows they both saw the evite, they both have a history of nothing but failed relationships and a track record pursing inappropriately younger women, and Annie cares more about both than either deserve, among others.

Jeff loses his cool at the mention of Annie, and insists that he and Pierce are nothing alike: while Pierce lived in his father's shadow, Jeff grew up without a father, and while Pierce begged for his father's approval, Jeff has had his father's contact information for three weeks without the slightest urge to call him. He holds a piece of paper out triumphantly. Shirley asks why he's carrying that piece of paper around, then.

The scene shifts back to Abed, who has been watching Jeff and Shirley on the monitors, He plays with the settings a bit, finding a recording of Pierce asleep and a dark figure standing over him. Interested, he searches further.

Jeff and Shirley, still arguing, stride down a hallway. Shirley has obtained from somewhere a list of Pierce's six ex-wives, and notes that they were all in their mid 20s when Pierce married them, though Pierce himself grew older and older: 24 and 29, 26 and 36, 25 and 41, 26 and 47, 27 and 53, 21 and 58. Jeff slams a door in Shirley's face and locks it. While she pounds to be let in, shouting that he's throwing a tantrum like a child, he explores his new surroundings: a posh office, formerly Pierce's father's. He helps himself to scotch, and finds the red notebook; the access code for the panic room is clearly labeled.

Annie, Britta, and Troy explore **yet another hallway**. Annie expresses frustration: they haven't found the code and they've lost Abed. Perhaps her insistence on helping Pierce had been motivated by a desire to spite Jeff, and she's been foolish. Britta and Troy reassure Annie that her insistence on helping Pierce was the right thing to do, also spiting Jeff was the right thing to do. Britta asserts that Annie is a strong and independent woman whom Britta admires, citing her successes at Greendale and most recently her refusal to bow to societal pressure and dress like a sexy ring girl. Annie asserts Britta is laying it on a little thick, but appreciates the endorsement. They continue on.

Back in Pierce's father's study, Jeff thinks he's still hearing Shirley pound on the door. He finally opens it, only to discover her gone and the knocking sound coming from elsewhere. He sees an improbable distortion of one wall, and flees the apparent supernatural activity, passing Shirley along the way; she follows him.

Annie, Britta, and Troy are threatened by spooky hands and a face coming out of one wall, and they flee as well. The two groups converge, and all run together to the front room, where they turn on the videoconference unit and find Pierce sprawled on the panic room floor, unresponsive.

ACT THREE

Jeff opens the panic room and the group bursts in, only to find Pierce absent. He surprises them from the doorway, gloating that he pulled a successful prank, and reveals that he felt hurt by the group's decision to attend Vicki's party without him, rather than boycott it in solidarity.

Abed wanders in, explaining that he found Pierce's control room. Pierce explains his Scooby-Doo type shenanigans, fake mirrors and trick walls and knocking sounds and such. Abed declares that Pierce really went all out, including hiring a shadowy figure to watch him sleep.

Pierce panics and seals the room, prompting the rest of the group to berate him for his antics. As they squabble, the door unlocks: Pierce's half-brother Gilbert (who of course knows the panic room code) has been lurking. Gilbert explains that he had been lonely and began hiding in the house weeks ago, apologizes, and prepares to leave. Moved, Pierce invites him to move in formally, and the group breaks up for the night.

Britta suggests she and Troy go back to Troy's place and watch Inspector Spacetime, something Troy has a lot of knowledge about but Britta doesn't.

As Abed and Shirley both announce plans to go home, Jeff and Annie converse. Jeff had suggested the paired costumes, and Annie initially agreed but upon reflection felt Jeff had been thoughtless towards her in making the request. Why Annie thought Jeff was undervaluing her is not made entirely clear, but Jeff readily concedes the point. He apologizes to Annie for his earlier hostility. She likewise apologizes to Jeff for not communicating more clearly. She suggests they go on to Vicki's party together, but he declines, reminded by Annie's phrasing of something Shirley said. He intimates Annie should go to the party and find someone under thirty, that this would be a better choice in the long run. Annie takes this as a stinging rejection, but hides it.

Back at his home, Jeff sighs unhappily, then picks up the phone and begins to call his father.

END CREDITS

Troy, Abed, Britta, and Pierce play with the revolving-door secret passage.


	3. Conventional Spacetime

s4e3 "Conventional Spacetime"

CREDITS (NO COLD OPEN)

ACT ONE

A scene from _Inspector Spacetime_ circa 1965, a low-budget BBC show with stilted writing. Soon we see that Britta and Troy, in bed together early one morning, are watching it on a laptop. Britta is unimpressed, though Troy explains the show eventually improves. Nevertheless she's game to keep at it, as there's something about it that Troy loves which she wants to see and understand.

They're interrupted by Abed knocking on Troy's bedroom door, eager to discuss their plans for attending an upcoming _Inspector Spacetime_ convention. Britta wants to simply tell Abed that they're sleeping together, rather than continue their charade, but Troy insists Abed is too fragile to accept such a change. While Troy stalls Abed, Britta dresses and sneaks out via the fire escape through Annie's room to the hall outside, where she feigns having only just arrived. Her fraud includes a bag of donuts (hidden in the hallway outside the apartment) which she offers to Abed, claiming to have picked them up on the way. Abed takes the donuts, and announces that he's aware Britta and Troy are sleeping together, that he has been for weeks, and that he let them keep up the charade because he likes donuts. He assures Troy that he can handle change, he's processed that and is ready for a new character arc.

Cut to Annie and Abed entering the study room early the next morning. Jeff has forgotten his sunglasses and Annie offered to fetch them before they all met up and drove to the _Inspector Spacetime_ convention. Abed notes that Jeff doesn't need sunglasses for the convention, but Annie clarifies he won't be at the convention more than a little; he and Annie will be skiing. Abed asks if Annie has ever skiied, and she admits she hasn't, but Jeff will instruct her. She anticipates a pleasant couple of days spent largely alone with Jeff on the ski slopes.

They discover Pierce sitting quietly in the room. He's been there for hours; his sleep schedule got all messed up and he's on Bangkok time, he says. Pierce heard their conversation and expresses disappointment that he wasn't invited on the Space-Time-Ski bonanza. Annie apologizes, asserting that she assumed Pierce wouldn't be interested but conceding it would have been polite to ask, and pushes Abed to invite him. Pierce declares he has no desire to attend the convention anyway.

The scene shifts to the dealer room floor of InspectiCon, the _Inspector Spacetime_ convention. Most of the attendees are cosplaying with varying degrees of enthusiasm. Troy (as Constable Reggie) and Abed (as the Inspector) lead Britta and Annie through the room. Troy expresses amazement at the splendor of the convention, and asks Abed if he'd prefer Britta not participate, which offends her. Abed says he has no problem with Britta, and he and Troy agree that their first activity should be posing for a novelty photo of their two bodies merged "like when Constable Reggie and the Inspector were merged for all eternity in episode 704."

Britta, unhappy with being sidelined, notices a display advertising Inspector Minerva, the female Inspector, a character she hadn't known existed. Abed explains that yes, there was a female Inspector, but everyone hates her. Not because they're sexist, but because she was terrible. Britta would like to learn more about this aspect of _Inspector Spacetime_ canon, and calls on Annie for support. Annie ditches the rest of the group, preferring not to be involved, and anyway she has plans with Jeff. Britta and Abed exchange harsh glares, before Abed announces that everyone is entitled to their opinion, and wanders off. Troy, concerned for Abed's mood, disparages Britta's importance and chases after Abed. Britta stews, and follows.

In another part of the convention, Annie finds Jeff eyeing a table of t-shirts near the entrance. He explains that the ski slopes have been closed due to an accident, and with skiing cancelled, he has no reason to stay on at the hotel. Annie suggests they enjoy the convention together, but Jeff balks. He has zero interest in _Inspector Spacetime_, he says, and starts to add something about the privacy of the ski slopes versus the public arena of the convention, that Annie would have a better time without him... He trails off as both he and Annie notice that conventiongoers are staring at Jeff. Annie wonders why; Troy and Abed approach, followed by Britta. Abed and Troy are eager to explain: Jeff bears a striking resemblance to an _Inspector Spacetime_ villain, Thoraxis the Man-Tis.

Annie hadn't noticed the resemblance, and protests as Jeff asserts he is now even less interested in the convention. She asks Jeff again to stay, and he again declines her company. He's uncomfortable with everyone staring, and wants to leave immediately. Offhandedly he says she's welcome to one of the two rooms he booked, room service, whatever, his treat. While she struggles for a rejoinder, he leaves. Britta invites Annie to join her, Troy, and Abed, but Annie snaps at her.

Troy, Abed, and Britta approach the novelty photo line. Troy observes that it's long and growing, and that they should get in line immediately. Abed, however, wants to touch base with an online friend of his first, a man named Toby Weeks who sounds suspiciously like a scam artist. While Britta tries to explain to Abed that he's been bilked, Toby appears, proving her wrong.

Toby and Abed confer, with Toby returning Abed the money Abed lent him. Abed disregards Troy's desire to get the novelty photo, and instead leaves with Toby to attend a ticketed event. Troy, unhappy to be treated so shabbily by Abed, turns to Britta for support, but she points out he's been treating her just as shabbily.

Elsewhere, Shirley and Pierce arrive on the convention floor. Pierce has concocted an extremely poorly-thought-out plan to surprise the rest of the group at the convention, and roped Shirley in. Shirley observes that the convention floor, full of cosplayers, is very much not their scene, but Pierce is adamant that their presence will be an unanticipated delight. He's confident that they can blend in, though the pair are immediately spotted by some serious types in suits, who firmly invite them to a secluded spot. Alarmed, Pierce and Shirley are led away.

Downstairs in the lobby, Jeff sits staring at his phone, glancing up as guests emerge from the elevators. He mutters to himself, trying out different ways to apologize to Annie, most of which are non-apologies that blame her for being upset. He mutters to himself about how she doesn't want to be stuck with him all weekend at an SF convention, and maybe she thinks she does but he knows better, damn that sounds condescending, there's a better way to phrase it... A woman approaches him, and asks if he's Nigel Cuthberson, the actor who played Thoraxis. Relieved to be distracted, Jeff plays along, adopting a bad British accent.

In a conference room, Shirley and Pierce are invited to participate in a focus group testing a new American version of _Inspector Spacetime_; as a black woman and a senior citizen, they represent underserved demographics. Flattered, they agree to participate.

At the hotel bar, Annie sits down. The bartender greets her with a little bit of flirting. She asks the bartender what the best scotch is. He shows her a pamphlet of their selection, and she orders a forty dollar glass of scotch. He's nonplussed, and asks for her ID when she charges it to the room. He notes that she's Annie Edison, and the reservation is for Doctor Jeffrey Winger and Mrs. Annie Edison-Winger; technically the names don't match but it's close enough. Annie covers her surprise at being the wife of "Dr. Winger," and orders three bottles of the scotch be sent up the room. It's her husband's favorite, she explains, and they'll be entertaining later. Yes, it's a substantial markup and she could get a much better deal at a liquor store, but they're on a schedule and Dr. Winger won't mind paying for it.

Back in the convention hall, Troy, Britta, Abed, and Toby sit down with slices of pizza. Toby and Abed engage in a rapid conversation of half-sentences and references, leaving Troy and Britta entirely out. When they rise abruptly and leave without explanation, Troy expresses dismay. He tries to deny his discomfort, but Britta clasps his hand and assures him he isn't crazy. That dude is trying to steal his boyfriend. Troy apologizes for treating Britta shabbily, once she draws out the parallel between Abed's treatment of Troy and Troy's treatment of her. The two of them vow not to let Toby steal Troy's man.

ACT TWO

A scene from a slightly more recent _Inspector Spacetime_. Constable Ginevera confronts Thoraxis the Man-Tis in his lair. He tries to seduce her, suggesting that she renounce her alligence to the Inspector and instead become his queen. Ginevera, clearly tempted, asserts that Thoraxis only wants to mate with her, and then eat her (praying mantis style). Thoraxis doesn't deny that becoming his queen would ultimately be fatal for Ginevera, but claims he only acts in accordance with his nature. Ginevera wavers, then sets aside her blaster-gun. Bow before Thoraxis, he tells her, and as she kneels…

Cut to Jeff with Troy and Britta, standing at the entrance of the convention hall. Troy has been describing the scene. Eventually the Inspector talks Ginevera into not letting Thoraxis eat her, and there's a pretty okay fight scene where Ginevera rips one of Thoraxis's arms off, he concludes.

As Jeff muses that Thoraxis is a monster, Britta critiques _Inspector Spacetime_'s gender politics. Troy halfheartedly defends the show, but his explanation drifts into a discussion of Abed.

Jeff heads out, Britta and Troy push further in. Britta advises Troy how best to deal with Toby's attempt to steal Troy's boyfriend: play it cool and low-key. Troy is, however, too strung-out and anxious to accept the advice. He'll try. They separate, as both think Abed will be more amenable to Troy's message if Britta isn't present.

Back in the focus group, Pierce and Shirley finish watching the American pilot of _Inspector Spacetime_. Both are full of opinions, though Shirley acknowledges she doesn't feel she's part of the show's target audience. Pierce is confident that he's the target audience for all entertainment everywhere. Shirley would prefer to see less violence, more morality, and less of an emphasis on secular science-atheism. Pierce has no qualms about declaring the time travel aspects of the show confusing, also there isn't enough sex.

Out in the lobby, the woman who approached Jeff before spots him again. He greets her in his fake British accent, then asks in his normal voice if he can practice his American accent on her. They sit down and he asks her, as an apparently intelligent and successful woman, why she's at the convention, why she's interested in _Inspector Spacetime_. There are other ways she could spend her weekend. Does she have friends or roommates who are really into the show, and she just goes along with it?

No, the woman says, she's been a fan of the show for years. She begins to explain the issues the show raises, when her phone rings. Her ringtone is "bow before Thoraxis" from the clip at the start of the act, and an image of Thoraxis is her phone's wallpaper. Jeff expresses amazement that she could enjoy the show, and asks whether she had some breakdown in her past that led her to desperately seek the kind of acceptance found by joining a subculture. The woman laughs at his questions.

In a lecture hall in the convention, Troy sits down next to Abed and Toby, who are held rapt by an offscreen presentation. Troy muses aloud about how pleasant it is for the three of them to be together, and when Toby speaks coldly to him, panics. He rises to his feet, shouting his insecurity at Toby before storming off.

At the hotel bar, Annie is more than slightly drunk on her second glass of high-end scotch. She regales the bartender and several busboys with a version of her disagreement with Jeff, casting herself as the wronged party and her husband (the doctor) as distant and withdrawn, making eyes at her one minute and pushing her away the next. She knows he cares about her, she just wishes he was better at expressing it.

Down in the focus group, Pierce is holding court, explaining that simple, clear humor is funnier than elaborate setups and references no one gets. Shirley disagrees, claiming that despite its Godless flaws, _Inspector Spacetime_ is popular with its fans because it's a smart show, and the American version should stay true to that; it's a perfect venue for discussing social issues and explaining the downsides to secularism and the anything-for-a-good-time go-go modern culture. Pierce agrees vehemently with her, and vice versa, even when they're saying mutually exclusive things. The showrunners take copious notes.

A bellman quietly leads Annie out of the bar to behind a large potted plant. He explains that normally the staff didn't notice or care about adultery, but in this case they felt obliged to act because Annie was so nice. He points out Jeff, still sitting in the lobby, with the Thoraxis fan leaning towards him and scooting closer.

The Thoraxis fan is trying to cajole Jeff into delivering Thoraxis's catchphrase. An obviously uncomfortable Jeff demurs, as Annie stomps up to them. Shouting, she stiffly berates Jeff for abandoning their marriage, attracting the attention of many passersby.

Jeff expresses confusion as Annie throws her drink in his face. The Thoraxis fan declares she'd assumed Nigel's wife was back at their house in Arboath with Nigel Junior and Bethany and the dogs, a jarring level of detail. Flustered, she too throws a drink in Jeff's face. Addressing Annie as "Nora Cuthberson," she tells her she's much better-looking in person and doesn't photograph well, then stomps off.

Annie berates Jeff for abandoning her without so much as a text message, and asks for more drinks to throw in his face. Jeff cuts her off, saying that it's a waste of good scotch, that this trip has been terrible, and that all he wants to do is go up to the room to towel off and hope to God he wakes up in the middle of a class he didn't know he was enrolled in. He stomps off, leaving Annie standing guiltily alone.

Inside the convention hall, Britta finds a dejected Troy. She guesses he went all psycho girlfriend on Abed, and he agrees. To cheer him up, she's bought him a souvenir replica prop. Moved by her generosity of spirit, he thanks her and asks her to appear in the novelty photograph with him. She agrees, and they head off.

Elsewhere in the hall, Toby is trying to convince Abed to join him at another _Inspector Spacetime _convention, a major one in London. He has a spare bedroom, so Abed can stay as long as he likes.

Abed, however, has deduced that Toby has been lying to Abed. While Toby claims that he once had a friend like Troy who dropped him after marrying a woman like Britta, his story contains multiple inconsistencies. Confronted, Toby admits the deception, but claims he and Abed are kindred spirits. Toby decries "neurotypicals" and asserts only he can understand Abed. Abed considers this argument but declares that ultimately, he and Toby are two Inspectors, and the Inspector needs a constable, not another Inspector, adopting the cadence of one of Jeff's wrap-up speeches in the process.

Toby stuffs Abed into a locker.

ACT THREE

Another clip from _Inspector Spacetime_. Minerva, recognizable from the posters Britta saw earlier, stands triumphant over the fallen body of a costumed alien of some sort. A constable approaches Minerva, congratulating her on the victory, but rather than accept the praise with grace Minerva belittles the constable's failures with a series of increasingly crude taunts and remarkably hammy and unbelievable acting.

Pull back to reveal Britta watching the clip on a small monitor set up on a table in the convention hall. Britta concedes to the merch saleswoman behind the table that Inspector Minerva is indeed awful. But Britta still wants a t-shirt.

Elsewhere in the hall, Toby taunts Abed inside the locker. Toby explains to Abed that soon Stockholm Syndrome will set in, and asks Abed to let him know when he starts to love Toby.

Abed pounds on the locker, demanding Toby release him. Toby scoffs when Abed points out that Troy would find him, but the certainty that Troy would, in fact, eventually find and rescue Abed comforts him.

Meanwhile Troy and Britta pose for the novelty photo; she's donned a Constable Ginevera hairband for the occasion. She asks Troy about the context of the novelty photo, but Troy's distracted by concern for Abed. She reassures him, and tells him to go find Abed. As Troy dashes off to search for Abed, the photo booth attendant offers Britta their novelty photo, which shows Troy and Britta merged into a single entity. Britta comments that she doesn't see the appeal at all, but buys the photo anyway.

Troy spots Toby, and asks where Abed is. Toby lies, claiming Abed has decided to move to London with Toby, but Troy sees through the deception and realizes that Abed is in the nearby locker. Troy casually threatens Toby, who panics and flees. Troy opens up the locker, and Abed thanks him; Abed notes that he's been stuffed in lockers many times, but this was the first time he felt secure in knowing someone would find him. The two friends head back to the photo booth, to pose together.

Out in the lobby, Annie sits quietly at the bar. Jeff approaches her, breaking the ice with a comment about how someone put a few hundred dollars' worth of scotch in his room, which would be a sweet gesture if he weren't stuck with the bill. Annie teases him, calling him Doctor Winger, and suggests that a medical man like him should know better than to overindulge. He responds that she's overindulged herself, and she replies that one and a half glasses of scotch over the course of hours wouldn't do any damage. She asks Jeff why the reservations were for Doctor and Mrs. Winger. Jeff claims he always makes reservations as "Doctor," adding that he isn't a fake MD, he has a fake PhD in Law or Political Science or something. He admits it was once aspirational; before he was found out as a fraud, he used to harbor dreams of returning to school, getting an advanced degree, and becoming one of the stuffed-shirt law professors who treated him so badly. And maybe it gets him slightly better treatment from the staff.

As for the Mrs. Winger part? Does Jeff habitually travel with women and identify them as his wife, for some reason?

Jeff shamefacedly claims he must have filled in the form online wrong. He asks why that drove her to throw a drink in his face.

Annie complains that he'd ditched her callously, after they'd planned on spending the weekend together.

Jeff apologizes, saying that he really doesn't care for _Inspector Spacetime_, and that there's a difference between the two of them in private and the two of them someplace like the convention. Annie asks if he's ashamed to be seen with her, and he says no, it's the other way around, which she doesn't understand but lets go. Jeff offers to buy Annie a drink as a peace offering. She turns down his suggestion of another scotch, noting they have several bottles upstairs; instead she wants an appletini. Jeff makes a show of complaining about having to order an appletini, but both are smiling when he rises and goes to the bar.

At the bar he orders a scotch and an appletini. The bartender, the same one whom Annie was commiserating with before, intuits that the appletini is for Annie, and expresses relief that she and Jeff seem to have made up. He refers to Jeff and Annie as husband and wife, and Jeff doesn't correct him, instead indicating that their conflict had been a misunderstanding; he'd never cheat on her. Jeff agrees that Annie's happiness is extremely important to him and that he doesn't always do enough to make that clear to her. The bartender assures him that she knows, and tells him he's a lucky man. Jeff agrees.

In the convention hall, Troy and Abed show Britta their version of the novelty photo, which all three agree is superior to the one with Britta and Troy. Unlike Britta, Abed cares about _Inspector Spacetime;_ this has apparently come out in the photo somehow. Britta declares that she's given it her best effort, but she really can't bring herself to enjoy _Inspector Spacetime_. Troy is a little disappointed, but Abed says not everything is for everybody, and there are other things that Britta and Troy can enjoy together. Britta pulls off her jacket to reveal her new Inspector Minerva t-shirt beneath; Troy responds positively but Abed complains about Minerva's terribleness and retracts his previous endorsement of Britta.

Pierce, Shirley, Annie, and Jeff all converge on them. Abed apologizes again to Pierce for not inviting him, and Pierce comments that it's no problem. Despite not being invited, he and Shirley have made a measurable impact and made the world a better place. No one understands what he's talking about, but rather than ask, they just move on. Annie announces that she and Jeff will be leaving shortly, but Jeff suggests they stay for a few more hours, at least through dinner. Annie would like that.

But before they break for dinner, there's one thing Jeff wants to do. He tells the group to get their phones out, because he's only doing it once. They're bemused. He marches to a central point in the hall and rips his shirt off, shouting "Bow before Thoraxis!"

The assembled convention attendees all gasp and drop to their knees, including Abed and Troy. Britta somewhat reluctantly joins them when Troy whispers to her. She's followed by Pierce and a confused Shirley; only Jeff and Annie remain standing. Cut to black as Annie struggles not to laugh.

END CREDITS

The new American version of _Inspector Spacetime_, in which the Inspector can travel in space or time, but not both; his constable is a leggy blonde with a tennis racket; and their missions mostly involve leading sinners away from adultery and drug abuse and towards reconciliation with parents, spouses, and religious figures.


	4. Eastern Front 1939-1945

s4e4 "History of the Eastern Front 1939-1945"

(with Kenneth Branagh as Cornwallis, Bill Hader as Reinhold, Will Forte as Lucas, and Andy Samberg as Karl)

COLD OPEN

The study group watches in jealousy as a session of "History of Ice Cream" ends. The replacement history class Craig promised is finally starting today, however. As the group enters the classroom they're stunned to see the German exchange students, last seen in s3e9. A tense exchange between Jeff and Reinhold (the lead German) serves to remind the audience that the study group has a past history of conflict with the German students.

The new history professor enters as the class takes their seats. He introduces himself as Cornwallis, formerly a respected teacher at Oxford until a sex scandal cost him his job. The class, particularly Annie in the front now, are discomfited by this revelation. Cornwallis describes the course, "History of the Eastern Front 1939-1945," explaining that within Hitler's march across Eastern Europe and the Soviet counteroffensive, one can see a microcosm of the whole history of conflict. He elaborates, describing an upcoming exam, is interrupted by the maniacal laughter of Reinhold, who clearly plans some form of revenge on the study group.

CREDITS

ACT ONE

Chang and a therapist surprise Craig in his office. The therapist explains that Chang has traumatic memory loss and exposure to the Greendale campus would be therapeutic. Craig hotly protests letting a madman wander freely on campus, but the therapist explains that he already cleared it with the school board, and Craig has no option but to accept Chang.

The group enters their study room and are startled to find the German students already there, occupying a table in the corner. Jeff tries to evict them, but Reinhold explains that they are using the room only to study and only for the day, until their usual study location is again available. Annie suggests that they avoid the conflict, but Pierce calls that appeasement. For once Jeff agrees with Pierce, but Annie insists on making nice. The Germans, who were eavesdropping, thank her.

Out in the hallway, Abed approaches Karl, one of the Germans, whom he's recognized as a fellow player of an online game. The German is pleased to meet Abed; the two have a considerable past history, as allies in gaming online.

In his office, Craig complains to two of the school board members about the ridiculous situation he's been forced into. The board explain they're getting money, which they like, and if Craig can prove Chang is faking, then fine, because they get paid either way.

The next morning, Pierce and Annie enter the study room with the rest of the group in tow. Annie tries to claim victory, as they made it through the day and the Germans will be gone, but Jeff predicts, correctly, the Germans have returned. Annie and Pierce demand the Germans leave, but the Germans have a prior claim to the study room; the signups are first come, first served. A security guard asks the group to leave.

Outside the group discuss their options. Shirley hates the Germans as much as anyone, but sees no profit in antagonizing them. Abed, Britta and Troy are all likewise willing to concede the study room to the Germans; the group can meet elsewhere without difficulty. Annie and Jeff are both on the fence, each trying to gauge the other's level of enthusiasm for fighting. Pierce is unwilling to back down; he gives an impassioned speech about how they deserve the study room, how it isn't just a study room, it's a living room — lebensraum, if you will — and he fires up Annie. They declare an intent to reclaim the study room no matter how much Shirley has to spend on babysitting, and the rest of the group falls in line.

ACT TWO

0930 the next morning, the group discovers the Germans have signed in for the room at 0925. The group is forced to relocate to a poorly-lit study room, where Pierce and Troy electrocute themselves trying to fix the lights.

0830 the next morning, the group discovers the Germans have signed in for the room at 0825. The group relocates to a third study room, one which smells terrible because of a dead raccoon in the vent.

"Crazy early" the next morning, the group stumbles into campus only to find the Germans have signed in for the room at "crazy early minus five minutes." In the fourth study room, all of the chairs break.

Abed meets Karl in secret. Karl assures him there is no personal malice in the Germans' actions. Abed tells him that in wartime, personal malice or lack thereof doesn't matter.

Craig enters his office and finds Chang shaving. Chang greets Craig in a guileless, friendly fashion. Craig retorts by listing all Chang's terrible crimes in the third season, all of which seem to be news to Chang. Chang shakes his head in sad disbelief at his deeds.

In the history class, Cornwallis finishes a lecture and reminds the class about an upcoming exam. While the students file out, the Germans smugly remind the group that they've claimed the study room. Reinhold in particular notes that Annie's seat is especially pleasant, which repulses her and prompts Jeff to approach Reinhold with apparent violent intent. Annie stops him, however, declaring that the war's over and they lost.

Pierce objects, saying he's not willing to give up the place he made all his best friends. If anything, they should expand their territory to not just the study room, but the chairs in the hallway outside. Pierce compares their situation to _Hogan's Heroes_. He has to explain the premise to Troy, who has never heard of it, and who is amazed that anyone would approve a sitcom set in a concentration camp. Pierce explains it was a prison camp, totally different. Pierce decries the Germans as inferior, culturally, with their techno and their luftballoons. Jeff tries to take charge of the rant by reminding the group of the inevitable triumph of the lovable misfits (ie Annie) over the bumbling Germans (ie Reinhold). The group agrees to attempt to trick the Germans with a ruse.

Later, the group's ruse is revealed: they have staged an Oktoberfest celebration in the cafeteria, where they invite the Germans to partake of beer and blutwurst, offered up by Britta, Shirley, and Annie in Bavarian costume. The theme, Pierce announces grandly, is "Strength Through Joy." Abed assures Karl it isn't a ruse.

Though most of the Germans are lulled by the ruse, Reinhold recognizes it as a plot. He identifies a cartoonishly oversized caked, ostensibly baked by Shirley, as a locus of nefarious intent. Pierce suggests Reinhold take the cake back to the study room, but Reinhold instead opens it up to reveal Troy inside, armed with a respirator and tear gas.

Reinhold gloats over having seen through the ruse, and drinks a celebratory beer. Pierce cackles in triumph as he and the rest of the group take photographs of the Germans, telling them they're busted.

Later in Craig's office the Germans protest that there were dozens of students drinking. Craig has no problem with the drinking, but according to Greendale policies German students celebrating German culture is a hate crime. German students can celebrate Mexican culture, Chinese students can celebrate German culture, but celebrating your own ethnicity's culture is forbidden, as Annie discovered while reviewing policies in the administration office.

Their punishment: they are forbidden from using certain campus amenities, including reserving study rooms. As the Germans file out sullenly, Craig's phone rings. He answers it, and learns that Chang is in jail.

The next day the study group triumphantly enters the study room, only to find Vicki has joined with Reinhold in protesting the group's actions. Vicki has gathered a sizable group of students; she claims to be motivated by distaste for the group's trickery and their hogging of Study Room F for three years, but Pierce declares this is all about bad blood between the two them in particular. Vicki doesn't deny it, and glares at Pierce as he goes off on an impassioned rant about how much he hates Vicki.

ACT THREE

Jeff tries to convince Vicki and the others to side with them, but Vicki lists off a series of times the group has unfairly monopolized the study room, shown in a series of flashbacks which are mostly callbacks to past episodes. Afterwards Leonard compares the group to those guys on _Hogan's Heroes_, the Nazis. Annie and Shirley are mortified to be compared to the Nazis, but Leonard points out Shirley is wearing an SS ("Shirley's Sandwiches") shirt.

In the local jail, Craig visits Chang. He declares that he's bailed Chang out, and that given that Chang turned himself in for the previous season's worth of crimes, Craig is willing to believe Chang is sincere. Plus the school gets money and publicity, and Craig can wear a sexy nurse costume while he nurses Chang back to health.

Back on campus, the group sits in the cafeteria feeling sorry for themselves. Annie and Shirley bicker over which of them is least Nazi, though they insist it isn't a competition. Jeff and Pierce argue over which of them is more similar to Hitler. Pierce wins, which he finds gratifying until he remembers that being similar to Hitler is a bad thing; then he's more ambivalent. Abed expresses remorse for betraying Karl's trust with the ruse. He leaves to find Karl and apologize. As he goes, Cornwallis approaches the group.

Jeff, upon hearing that Cornwallis wants to discuss something with them, jumps to the conclusion that their whole conflict with the Germans was stage-managed by Cornwallis as an elaborate demonstration of propaganda and conflict. Cornwallis doesn't know what Jeff is talking about; the group completely skipped the exam he told them about twice and they are failing his class.

Abed finds Karl cleaning out his locker. Given the hostile attitude towards them, the German students are transferring to City College. Abed apologizes, and Karl accepts the apology. Karl considers staying at Greendale; he would become the captain of the school's foosball team by default, and could live out the semester comfortably. Abed reminds him that he would be forced to face City College's foosball team, the other Germans, and warns him that if the City College bus were to leave without Karl aboard, Karl would regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of his life. Karl agrees, and leaves.

Faced with the truth that they're hated by everyone on campus and Pierce is basically Hitler (as he's quick to remind them), the group concocts a scheme to regain popular approval, by repairing the three study rooms they used at the start of Act Two. A montage of repairs and improvements follows. As the montage ends, Jeff gives a speech about how their family isn't just the seven of them, it's all of Greendale.

Jeff begins to ask Annie for an unspecified favor, but they're interrupted when Craig calls the group together in their study room. He thanks them for their efforts, congratulates them on making peace with Vicki, and then introduces them to the new, amnesiac Chang.

END CREDITS

In an elaborate ceremony recreating Umezu's surrender to MacArthur at the end of World War II, Pierce signs a letter of apology to Vicki.


	5. Thanksgiving Without Tears

s4e5 "Traditional Families"

(with Bill Murray as William Winger)

COLD OPEN

The group sits around their table, describing their Thanksgiving plans. Jeff says he has plans but doesn't elaborate. Shirley will have her husband's family over, though her husband will be working. Britta will be feeding stray cats, who deserve a Thanksgiving as much as anyone. Troy doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving but has been roped into helping Britta feed cats. Abed plans to eat some buttered noodles at some point during the day. Pierce will probably be at a strip club, but only to make fun of all the sad losers who don't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving besides a strip club.

Shirley invites them all over to her place, which the group generally agrees to. Craig enters, announcing that all are welcome at the college's dinner, which exists mainly in hopes of preventing holiday suicides. He wants Jeff in particular to attend, but Jeff demurs.

Craig nods, remembering that Jeff plans on spending Thanksgiving with his father. This revelation prompts startled gasps from Shirley, Britta, Troy, et cetera. Jeff berates Craig for reading his emails, and Craig expresses his innocence before fleeing.

Jeff reluctantly confirms he made contact with his father but asks the group not to make a big deal out of it. Shirley insists that it's huge news, and tries to cajole Jeff into bringing his father to her house for Thanksgiving, which he puts a firm no on. Britta suggests everyone go with him as a show of support, and Pierce suggests they take Jeff's father to a strip club as a group excursion. Male strippers, if that would make Jeff more comfortable.

Jeff declines these offers. He will go to his father's house, and meet his father and his half-brother (and yes, he has a half-brother) and he'll demonstrate to his father how awesome he became without him, and then go.

As the group files out of the study room, Jeff and Annie (who has been silent and mostly offscreen in this scene) step aside, and he confirms that he'll pick her up at ten and they'll be done by two at the latest.

ACT ONE

Jeff and Annie walk through an apartment complex's parking lot, silently. They note a vintage car with the vanity plate "WINGIN IT," and approach a door. Jeff raises his hand to ring the bell, but balks before pressing the button. Annie grasps his elbow and looks up at him reassuringly. He nods to her, and remarks that once, he wouldn't have rung the bell. He would have fled the scene and called it defiance, rather than cowardice, after the fact. But people can change, and… He trails off and, instead of pressing the button, turns and flees back down the path towards the lot. Annie calls and chases after him.

Britta, Troy, Abed, and Pierce converge on Shirley's doorstep. Shirley welcomes them in but is interrupted by her father-in-law, who complains that the dinner is late. Shirley introduces the others to him, but he makes a fart noise and stomps off. Abed offers Shirley a gift: two-year-old seven-layer dip; behind him Britta and Troy make "nope" hand gestures. She leads them in to meet her in-laws, all of whom stop their conversation and stare at the newcomers. It's very awkward.

Annie finds Jeff at his car in the parking lot, fumbling for his keys; they're in her pocket. She gently chastises him for fleeing and congratulates him on having the foresight to ask her along. Jeff asserts he asked her along so that if he ended up killing his father, there'd be a witness to explain it was justifiable homicide. She pulls him back towards the apartment.

At Shirley's, Troy ducks out of a conversation with one of Shirley's in-laws about Batman being gay, and hides in the garage, where he finds Britta and Abed. They agree the in-laws are remarkably unfriendly. Britta is particularly bothered that her hair was attacked; it's not like any of them had particularly nice hair. Abed notes that standards of feminine beauty are often contentious within the African-American community, with many women feeling the pressure to straighten their hair to make it more "white." Britta is, however, white already, she's quick to point out; her hair is naturally straight and blonde. Abed agrees that in this case it's just an excuse to attack Britta, because they all hate her. Troy assures Britta her hair doesn't look anything like a rat's nest.

Pierce enters, complaining that none of Shirley's in-laws appreciate his opinions about Eddie Murphy movies. They commiserate, until Shirley finds the four of them in the garage, and suggests they come back inside soon, lest they give the impression they would prefer to hide in the garage rather than enjoy Shirley's dinner. Troy and Britta are quick to deny this; Pierce and Abed say nothing.

Troy compares their current situation to prison. You recall what happens to guys like Troy in prison, right? They get really into push-ups, and Troy isn't into that. He's distraught, though Britta assures him his upper body is fine as it is. Abed reflects that their situation is very much that of a prison movie, and declares that they need to break out, _Shawshank Redemption_ style.

ACT TWO

With Annie at his side, Jeff rings the bell at his father's door. His father William answers, and they exchange very stilted greetings. After an awkward pause, William invites them inside, expressing mild surprise to see Annie, as he didn't mention his girlfriend.

In not-quite-unison, Jeff and Annie correct him, saying they're merely good friends. They shift apart, Annie having to scoot to no longer be in Jeff's personal space, and Jeff's hand moving away from where it had rested on Annie's back.

William and Jeff lay out a few ground rules: no hugs, no apologies, no calling William 'Dad,' et cetera. They agree on scotch, at least. While William pours drinks, Annie notices the small man sitting on a staircase: Willy Junior, Jeff's half-brother.

Willy and Jeff shake hands. Willy is a bundle of insecurities: he notes that Jeff's grip is much stronger than his, calls Jeff the Schwarzenegger and himself the Devito, and observes that he and Jeff's beautiful wife (a reference to Annie which makes her and Jeff uncomfortable, though she's also flattered) are about the same size. Overwhelmed and anxious, Willy stomps off to his room. Jeff remarks to Annie that it's going great so far, apologizing for bringing her, and Annie tells him it's okay.

Back in Shirley's garage, the group struggles to come up with a plan to escape. Shirley reappears, inviting them in once more, and a fast-thinking Britta claims severe menstrual cramps require her to go home. However one of Shirley's in-laws is a gynecologist, and somehow Britta's lie leads to an impromptu examination (offscreen but narrated by Abed, as an homage to the rape scene in _Shawshank_).

At William's house, William gives Jeff some medical background and answers a few health problems, while Annie and Willy set the table for dinner. Willy eyes them, jealous and threatened. Annie asks him about himself, to distract him, and he asserts he doesn't need pity from his "gorgeous sister-in-law." Annie tells him she and Jeff aren't married, but clearly enjoys the compliments from even an ersatz Winger. Willy asks her what life with Jeff is like, and Annie calls him complicated and often thoughtless, but beneath layers of insecurity he's generous and vulnerable. Willy meant, like, what kind of car do they have.

Meanwhile Jeff explains his history to William, who seems unsurprised to hear his son is a disbarred lawyer and community college student. William starts to reminisce about an analogous con he pulled in 1983, but Jeff interrupts him, saying that he didn't care where William had been in 1983; he hadn't been caring for his four-year-old son.

William takes the accusation in stride, noting that Willy had been only four when his mother, William's second wife, died. Jeff nods in understanding: he hadn't understood why William hadn't abandoned Willy the way he had Jeff, but William had been stuck with Willy. William asserts he did his best with Willy, but denigrates his younger son as weak and soft, unwilling to leave home and move out.

Jeff observes he left home at 18, couldn't wait to get out. William, pleased, says he'd been the same way. He rises and approaches the dinner table, then suggests Jeff carve the turkey. This provokes a meltdown in Willy; father and son shout at one another like an unhappily married couple until Willy stomps off to his room and William fetches himself another drink.

Jeff pulls Annie aside and asks for his keys back; he's ready to leave. Annie offers him the keys but suggests Jeff aim for some kind of closure or rapport or understanding with these men, before leaving forever and maybe burning the apartment complex to the ground, just to be sure. He agrees that's what he came for, and thanks Annie.

In the garage, a montage shows Abed, Britta, Troy, and Pierce lurking and taking turns with the in-laws, as Abed narrates more _Shawshank_ homage. Finally Pierce suggests injuries; he figured out in 1978 that a broken ankle is the perfect excuse to leave any party. Britta decries fractures as impractical, but then recalls the spoiled seven-layer dip Abed brought, now in Shirley's trash. The four approach the trashcasn nervously, and discuss among themselves how to get enough food poisoning to need to leave, without dying.

Sometime after dinner, William, Jeff, and Annie sit around the dinner table. William laughs as Jeff finishes explaining his career arc. He breaks one of their agreed-upon rules and declares he's proud of Jeff (prompting Annie to beam, as though telling Jeff it was good to stay after all). William continues that Jeff should thank him, that he did a terrible job raising Willy and by abandoning Jeff William did something right.

Jeff bridles, and William tries a speech. The universe is constantly expanding…

Here we go, mutters Annie, who recognizes the start of a Winger speech when she hears it.

Jeff cuts him off, incensed that William would take credit for anything about Jeff, and tells him to go to hell when William asserts that without William, Jeff grew up independent and strong. He stomps off from the table, leaving William and Annie alone. William nonchalantly asks Annie to pass the rolls.

In the garage, Shirley walks in on Britta, Troy, Pierce, and Abed as they're about to eat the spoiled dip. She asks them what they're doing, and they're unable to concoct a reasonable lie. Shirley sighs, dejected, and assures them they're welcome to leave. She understands they're having a terrible time; it's a lousy Thanksgiving. Shirley confesses that her in-laws treat her badly, and she'd hoped by having her friends there she'd create a buffer. But that was wrong of she realizes. As she returns to the house, even Pierce is shamefaced at abandoning Shirley in her time of need.

ACT THREE

In a bathroom at William's house, Willy steps out from behind the shower curtain while Jeff is about to piss. Jeff jumps back in alarm, and Willy begs Jeff to let Willy leave with him. He wants Jeff to take him in and teach him to be more adult, hard, dead inside and unemotional. Jeff tells him that if he leaves now, then William will have won: he meant everything to you and you were nothing to him and if you run away now he'll never know. And he should know. Jeff adds that being unemotional and dead inside isn't something to want, and it isn't even how Jeff really is; he's afraid of expressing his emotions for fear he'll hurt someone he loves.

William asks Annie, who has been staring at him in mute horror, about her relationship with Jeff. Annie explains they met at the community college and became friends. William assumes by friends Annie means lovers, but she irately corrects him. They are good grown-up friends who kissed once. And made out twice. And she gave him a lapdance once, is all. Disconcerted, she realizes she doesn't like the way that sounds when she says it all out loud. William is amused; he draws the conclusion that Jeff takes advantage of her the way William has taken advantage of so many women. Annie is rattled by William's harsh words, but pulls it together and berates him, saying that the difference between William and Jeff is that Jeff fundamentally cares about other people, that Jeff is better adjusted than William, and basically that Jeff is ten times the man William could ever be, because Jeff loves.

Back in the garage, Shirley discovers the group hasn't left. They're in the midst of putting together some kind of ruse to smuggle Shirley out of her house. It's still in the planning stages. Shirley thanks them for the effort but insists she can't leave, though she reiterates that the others are free to go. Family means putting up with each other even when it's hard. The five of them return to the house, where Britta asks one of Shirley's in-laws to finish his earlier thought about how he didn't approve of mixed-raced couples, and Pierce starts quoting from Richard Pryor routines from the 1970s.

Jeff and Willy emerge from the bathroom together, which confuses William. Jeff tells William that he deserves to know what his leaving did to Jeff. Jeff isn't well-adjusted, he says, he's barely keeping it together. For years he's texted constantly, and until the last year, he was texting no one; he used his phone as a barrier to avoid looking his friends in the eye, so that they wouldn't see he was broken. William, Jeff says, deserves credit for that. He calls his father a monster, and explains he doesn't use that word lightly. Jeff knows monsters. A monster is someone who hurts the people he claims to love, knows he's hurting them, and does it anyway. Monsters might feel shame, they just ignore it.

William responds by trying to fake a heart attack. Jeff announces they're done, and he and a subdued Annie leave. As they go, Annie gives Willy Jeff's contact information. Willy asks Annie if he can call her, and she demurs, indicating that her lover Jeff wouldn't like it.

As they prepare drive away, Jeff thanks Annie for enduring such a terrible evening. She assures him it was, well, not a pleasure exactly, but she was happy to do it because they're… friends.

The mood in the car is pretty heavy. Jeff, trying to lighten it, says he owes her one and she says she'll collect someday. Also, Annie confesses, she told Jeff's brother they were a couple so he wouldn't call me.

Jeff smiles at that, and notes that it's getting to be a habit. He confesses that he'd deliberately registered her as Annie Edison Winger, a month prior at the Inspector Spacetime convention. He'd been drunk and not really thinking, he says, and he didn't think she would ever see it.

Annie wonders aloud why, exactly, Jeff wanted her at the terrible Thanksgiving dinner. Jeff confesses that between himself, William, and her, he figured there'd be at least one person who thought he was a pretty okay guy. Annie assures him he's a more than pretty okay guy, and tells him to text her later.

The next Monday in the study room, Jeff surprises the group (and Craig and Chang for some reason) with an impromptu turkey dinner, which includes wine even though logically it must be sometime in the early to midmorning. Over a montage of the group eating and enjoying each other's company, Abed muses about Thanksgiving and hopes that for Christmas they'll do _Die Hard_ in a restaurant.

END CREDITS

Shirley, Troy, and Abed search through Shirley's garage for an item Troy lost, which item turns out to be a marshmallow, to Shirley's disgust.


	6. Nature vs Nurture

s4e6 "Nature versus Nurture: Current Issues in Neurology"

COLD OPEN

Abed pitches a documentary to Craig. In the process of describing his proposed documentary, Abed lays out the episode's premise: a private endowment is considering giving Greendale three million dollars, ostensibly to study Chang's illness. Craig is skeptical, pointing out that Abed's documentaries never turn out to be about the thing they're supposed to be about. He'll let Abed film only if he gets final cut, then admits he doesn't know exactly what "final cut" means.

ACT ONE

Abed finds Jeff in the hallway and asks him a series of leading questions establishing facts for the documentary: Chang was found two months earlier, naked and amnesiac and holding a note; Craig was obliged by the school board to put Chang up in a sleep study lab; Craig is applying for a three million dollar grant to study Chang's disorder. Jeff thinks Chang is faking the amnesia, because it's a convenient reset button for the depths of depravity and attempted murder Chang sunk to the previous spring. Jeff doesn't think people can just Chang, or rather change, overnight like that.

Jeff and Abed find Annie, Britta & Troy, Shirley, and Pierce in the study room; Annie is supervising as they hand-craft some posters welcoming the grant selection committee. Troy is uncharacteristically serious about quality control.

In a talking-head aside filmed later for Abed's documentary, Annie explains that she already filed the grant application weeks earlier. As far as Craig knows, she took the envelope with the grant application in it and mailed it, as part of her work-study job in the administration office, but in fact Annie took Craig's application and fiercely edited and rewrote it. She holds up Craig's original application, written in various colors of magic marker, and compares it to a copt of hers, which has a professional-looking print shop binding and a glossy cover. However, the rest of the study group really wanted to help, so she had to come up with something for them to do.

Back in the study room, Jeff decries Chang's amnesia as false. Troy and Britta defend Chang, claiming that the old Chang is gone and the new Chang is innocent of the crimes Jeff lists. Jeff appeals to Annie, who admits privately to Jeff that even if Chang **might possibly perhaps maybe** be faking, she doesn't care. It's three million dollars for the school, and besides, the new Chang is a nice guy who deserves the benefit of the doubt. Annie has made the rational decision to give him that benefit of the doubt, and believes Chang has changed.

Jeff rails against the idea that Chang, or any other monster, could so change. Annie strongly disagrees, and expected better from Jeff. Their conversation becomes heated, with Jeff calling Annie naive and Annie calling Jeff cynical.

He storms off to the cafeteria, where he confronts Shirley. She readily agrees with him that Chang is doubtless faking, which reassures him. However, she's also made the decision to forgive Chang, calling it the Christian thing to do. Unlike Annie, Shirley harbors no illusions about Chang's illness potentially being real. But like Annie, she asserts that Chang deserves a second chance.

No, he doesn't, insists Jeff, immensely frustrated.

Shirley suggests Jeff ask him directly. She indicates that she's hired Chang to work at Shirley's Sandwiches, and points to him standing nearby. Jeff is beside himself, and berates Chang for his deception and his earlier crimes. Chang meekly accepts Jeff's rage, but Shirley breaks in and reminds Jeff of his own past sins, which include defending the stripper who almost ended Shirley's marriage. Isn't Jeff capable of change? Doesn't Jeff deserve forgiveness? Doesn't Chang deserve that same forgiveness?

Jeff is still caught up on the first question. He leaves, shaking his head.

Pierce finds Jeff alone in the cafeteria. Jeff complains to him about everyone accepting Chang despite his obvious lies, and Pierce draws a parallel between Chang and (seemingly) Pierce himself. Both have alienated the group at times, both have acted unilaterally and thoughtlessly. But both try to be better. And now Jeff and Pierce are best friends, right?

Jeff considers Pierce's words, and admits that he's forgiven Pierce for a lot, and that he'd forgive him for more. Affronted, Pierce clarifies that he wasn't drawing a parallel between Chang and Pierce, but between Chang and Jeff. Pierce has heroically forgiven Jeff, not the other way around.

Jeff returns with Pierce to the study room, where he tells Annie he wants to help however he can. In a talking head with Abed, Jeff explains that he did not believe a word of it, nor was he willing to just go along with it; he thought that by joining up with the group, he could expose Chang's lies and be vindicated.

Troy tells Jeff that he's too late to help with poster-making; they've just finished the last one. Jeff suggests that some of the group gather more information about Chang's condition, the better to explain it to the grant committee when they visit. He wants to go with Annie to investigate where Chang was found, but Annie, still annoyed at Jeff, rejects the opportunity for traditional Jeff-and-Annie hijinks. Instead she chooses to go with Troy instead (he's the first person she sees when she turns her her away from Jeff). Meanwhile Britta and Abed will continue filming and documenting as much of Chang's life as possible.

Chang enters. He thanks Jeff for helping and Jeff barely conceals his disgust. Jeff quizzes Chang but is unable to catch him in a lie.

Shirley wants to use her portion of the documentary to advertise her sandwiches. Abed complains that the documentary has to be about what it's supposed to be about. Britta agrees to interview her but turns the camera off when she thinks she's turning it on.

ACT TWO

Shirley finishes an emotional monologue as Britta turns the camera back on. Britta and Shirley embrace, sobbing. Abed admits he doesn't understand emotions, but that Shirley's story nevertheless moved him. Shirley asserts she's struggled for years to tell that story, and that she doubts she could tell it again half as well.

In a lengthy sequence, Annie and Troy visit the trout farm near where Chang was found. Troy explains in a talking head that as he understands it, there's always a partner who thinks one thing and one who thinks the exact opposite, and it's through that dialectic process that understanding comes. This leads to him contradicting Annie and acting oddly. With Troy trailing along and Abed's assistant Garret filming, Annie investigates the trout farm. She interrogates the trout fisher about Chang and his appearance. The fisher explains that he found Chang several months ago, and sent him on his way. Annie quickly deduces that the fisher is lying, and tricks Troy into playing bad cop by making assertions about the trout farmer not hiding anything (Troy: he's hiding something!) and the trout farm holding no secrets (this place is full of secrets!). Under their pressure, the trout farmer confesses he kept Chang on for three months before letting him go. He admits he didn't pay Chang, but denies he forced him to work as a slave, claiming Chang refused to accept money.

Back on campus, Annie triumphantly shows Jeff their footage, declaring that it demonstrates that Chang worked without pay for months and is therefore either selfless or an innocent victim of human trafficking; either way, he's changed. Also, human trafficking is grant-money gold. When Jeff is disappointed, rather than pleased, Annie realizes he lied about wanting to help, which angers her. Troy doesn't fully understand their conversation and its subtext about Chang lying and using people (of Jeff taking advantage of Annie), whether or not Chang is the same person he was (or Jeff is the same man he was three years ago), and whether man is inherently evil or capable of redemption.

Troy decides to make another set of posters about the evils of human trafficking, just to be on the safe side. He recruits Abed and Pierce to assist him after rejecting Britta; her posters come out lopsided because she uses too much puff paint.

Convinced that he must expose Chang's lies, Jeff takes Abed's documentary material and searches it for evidence. Eventually he finds footage of Chang repeatedly dialing the same number and hanging up each time. Who would a total amnesiac know to call?

ACT THREE

The grant selection committee tours Greendale, guided by Craig and Annie. Chang follows along, reacting to every sight on campus as though seeing it for the first time. Jeff attempts to interrupt the tour, but Annie deftly dodges him. She leads the committee to an AV room where she shows them edited footage from Abed's documentary, demonstrating Chang to have been the victim of human trafficking. The phrase "grant-money gold" gets bandied about.

As the short film (a Cool Abed Production) ends and the lights come up, Jeff stands dramatically in the doorway. He announces that the grant selection committee hasn't gotten the whole story, and leads Chang's ex-wife Alessandra into the room, explaining that she once loved Chang and Chang never stopped loving her, but it was Chang's nature to hurt the one he loved… by getting amnesia and forgetting her.

Alessandra greets Chang, hoping to jar his memory. Chang is flustered, but sticks to his story. Jeff plays the footage of Chang dialing Alessandra's number, and accuses Chang of lying and knowing that number. Alessandra is incensed that Jeff would deceive her.

Chang starts to claim he found the number scratched in the vents, but breaks down crying under Jeff's pressure. Chang confesses that he's never forgotten Alessandra, that he's never stopping loving her and he's so sorry he hurt her. He continues to insist that other than Alessandra, he remembers nothing. Alessandra holds him, and they weep together.

The grant committee is moved by Chang's obvious emotional turmoil, but tell Craig the whole trip wasn't really necessary: they've already given the grant to City College and their visit to Greendale was just a courtesy. Craig is disappointed that their posters meant nothing; Troy worked so hard on them.

Jeff pumps his fist in triumph, then remembers that this had not, in fact, been his goal. Annie expresses her anger at him, as does Craig; Jeff is considerably more upset by Annie's rejection. Abed, at least, is relieved; he's filmed the last scene of the documentary and can edit it together into something that's about what it's supposed to be about. He won't have to use all the B-roll he shot of Neil and Vicki moving in together, which is great because that would have been really awkward to shoehorn in.

A few days pass. Jeff has been cut out of the (now Annie-led) study group; he's known as the jerk who cost the school three million dollars (although, he's quick to point out, he actually had nothing to do with that). Chang, meanwhile, enjoys the friendship of all.

Chang approaches Jeff as he sits alone in the cafeteria, and they converse. Chang explains that he will forgive Jeff. He sticks to his story about having amnesia, but only halfheartedly. Simultaneously he asks Jeff for forgiveness. Chang did a lot of terrible things, he admits, calling Jeff "Winger" as he did in the first three seasons. Chang knows that he did wrong, that he was a horrible person, maybe a monster. But he wants to start over fresh, if Jeff can let him.

Jeff realizes that not wanting to be Chang any more is a sane decision. Recognizing that he too wants to be a better person than he's been in the past, he accepts the argument and shakes Chang's hand. Chang leads him back to the study group, who follow Chang's lead and forgive and welcome him.

END CREDITS

Britta tries to interview Alessandra, seeking to understand what kind of woman would marry Chang.


	7. Moby-Dick as Metaphor for Sports

s4e7 "Moby-Dick as Metaphor for Sports Management"

COLD OPEN

In the study room, Annie presents a slideshow to the rest of the group (Chang included). Through her work-study in the administration office she's learned of a certain indolent: Archibald Boniface "Archie" Casparhauser. Archie has reached an age where his thoughts bend towards scholarship, Annie says, and he will shortly visit the Greendale campus as part of weighing his academic options; Annie wants their help recruiting him. Britt wonders aloud why Greendale wants this Archie, and Annie explains that he's the scion of the wealthy Casparhauser family, who fund the Alan B. and Alice B. Casparhauser Foundation. Archie is the sort of whale whom the college can milk for ivory for years (it's a mixed metaphor but you get the idea); his education could fund new bats for the baseball team, bat removal from the school belfry, et cetera.

Jeff and Annie exchange a couple of pointed remarks about using people versus helping people. Jeff asserts that Annie wants to take advantage of Archie, but she retorts that what she wants is to help Archie learn about all Greendale's best qualities, emphasis on help. They throw a few barbs back and forth, which concludes with Annie asserting that Jeff's motivation is laziness, not compassion. Everyone shuffles, uncomfortable at the quasi-couple squabbling… except Pierce, who hasn't picked up on the subtext and who complains that Archie is just a younger and less impressive version of Pierce. He's even stolen Pierce's lighting-your-cigar-with-a-hundred-dollar-bill-you-lit-with-another-hundred-dollar-bill trick!

Pierce storms out and Jeff, motivated to demonstrate that he does, in fact, care about people who aren't himself, chases after him.

The rest of the group agrees to help Annie, except that Troy wants to take a special one-day intensive seminar class in physical education. Greendale has a lot of these courses that aren't part of the regular schedule, that start in the middle of the semester and are over and done with in a day or two, Britta notes. Annie blames Craig's inept use of scissors and construction paper when laying out the Greendale Course Cartalog (Craig misspells catalog, she explains).

Troy tries to recruit Britta to take the class with him, but she declines and suggests Shirley take the class instead. When Troy is a little crestfallen, she clarifies. It's not because Britta already got her PE requirement dealt with and you couldn't get her to take a second PE class for love nor money. It's because when was the last time Troy and Shirley did something together? Shirley's up for it; she'd like to get her PE requirement out of the way.

CREDITS

ACT ONE

In Craig's office, Annie walks Craig, Britta, Abed, and Chang through her plans for Archie's visit, touring the facilities and watching some student films and introducing Archie to Greendale's colorful supporting cast. She's already made arrangements: Leonard has agreed to play a game of _Forrest Gump_-themed _Monopoly_ with Archie (it's the only boardgame in the Greendale games cabinet). Vicki bought some lemon squares at the grocery store she can pass off as homemade, and Magnitude will be his usual irrepressible self. Britta is skeptical that this will convince Archie: there's no dazzle, there's no sex, it's not cool. Like Annie herself, notes Craig; everyone nods.

As the group brainstorms other activities for the visit, the school board stumbles in drunkenly and decries Annie's ideas. Archie is an indolent cad, they say; he wants drugs and sex and skateboards and frat parties and sex and liquor and a big party! Britta agrees with them, explaining that this is just what she was saying. Craig nixes the frat idea, citing past problems with introducing a fraternity to campus. Abed perks up when Craig speaks ill of a frat; Dean versus fraternity is a classic conflict. He dashes off to form a frat, with a confused Chang in tow.

Pierce and Jeff sit in a diner somewhere off-campus, eating Pierce's favored breakfast of bacon, sausage, a waffle, two eggs, more bacon, and some extra sausage. Jeff comments that he can feel himself dying, and Pierce retorts that everyone is dying. He complains to Jeff about how no one listens to him or respects him. He has a lot to offer, he says, and yet he's seen as just another pretty face, a vapid handsome man whose looks cover an internal emptiness: a bad grade in a tight sweater. Jeff assures him no one sees him this way.

Troy and Shirley, in gym togs, discuss the PE class as they wait for it to begin. The class, Troy explains and Shirley learns, is PEE, physical education education, or how to be a gym teacher. It caught Troy's eye because you get a whistle. Shirley feels very much out of her element and asks Troy to help her. He reassures her. Coach Johnson, the PEE teacher, strides in and quizzes the students on some PEE concepts; Shirley stammers as she has no idea. Johnson mocks her, and she looks to Troy for support. However, with Johnson staring him down, Troy panics and sucks up to the coach, belittling and correcting Shirley. Johnson then berates Troy for behaving like the worst stereotype of a bullying PE teacher; Johnson was giving an example of what not to do. He thanks Shirley for her inadvertent assistance in demonstrating what to avoid. Troy isn't sure what just happened but he gets that somehow Shirley is doing better than he is.

ACT TWO

Annie, Craig, and Britta meet Archie at Greendale's main entrance. Annie introduces them all to Archie, clearly anxious and trying too hard. Archie makes a comment about Annie being stiff, but is immediately taken with Britta. Annie and Craig not-very-subtly pressure Britta into playing along with Archie's interest. Motivated at least in party by a desire to support her earlier claims about what would lead Archie to sign up at Greendale, Britta reluctantly flirts with Archie a little. She doesn't mention her extremely athletic boyfriend.

The PEE students are paired up for volleyball-net-folding. Coach Johnson explains how easy it is to incorrectly fold a net; it's an easy way to identify a terrible PE teacher. Jealous of his friend's success, Troy tries to sabotage Shirley's folding and make his own look better. However, his ploy backfires and Johnson scolds him.

Out in the yard, Abed and Chang line up a dozen fraternity recruits. Chang reverts to Señor Chang mode, lecturing and berating the pledges, telling them to call him El Chino Tigre. Abed compliments his dedication to character.

Archie and his escort wander campus. When Craig senses Archie's enthusiasm waning, he suggests Britta and Archie should have dinner together that night — or dinner and breakfast. This is beyond what Britta is willing to play along with. Britta looks to Annie to shut this down, but Annie breaks towards Craig instead, in an attempt to convince Archie she's cool. Britta decides this has gone much too far. She snaps at Annie and Craig that if she'd wanted to be a rich man's plaything, she would have taken that sex slave job when she had the chance. As Britta and stomps off, Annie realizes her mistake, and chases after, leaving Craig and Archie alone.

Coach Johnson runs an exercise where the two best students — Shirley and Neil — pick teams, in the process evaluating their fellow students and ranking them by ability and worth. Shirley reluctantly picks Troy last, which Johnson declares was the correct move. Everyone except Troy congratulates Shirley, the class star.

In a comic book/trading cards/tabletop gaming store, another of Pierce's haunts, Pierce and Jeff continue to talk. Pierce explains that Archie reminds Pierce of himself: indolent, foolish, squandering options and making poor choices. He assumes Jeff feels the same way, and that Jeff should feel the sting of the comparison even more keenly since he and Archie are closer in age. Jeff denies similarities between himself and Archie. Much as he'd like to, though, he can't deny similarities between himself and a younger Pierce; therefore the comparison between Pierce and Archie must be invalid. Pierce is convinced by this logic.

The final PEE activity is a mock locker room, with faux PE students played by volunteers from the drama department and led by Vicki. Shirley quickly assumes a position of authority, drawing on her experience as a mother, while Troy flubs it so badly that Vicki makes him cry.

ACT THREE

Annie finds Britta in the study room. She apologizes, confessing that the group's easy consensus about her not being cool rattled her and she made bad choices: she tried to overcompensate by pushing sex onto Britta. Britta forgives Annie and crows a little bit about not being the one who screwed up, for once. Annie's sheepish, even when Britta starts doing a smug little dance.

Craig, alone with Archie and desperate, spins a series of implausible lies and calls in strippers. Archie's delighted with the show, and more delighted when Abed and Chang's frat runs by, pausing to pants Craig. Archie declares an intention to register at Greendale, to Craig's relief, and also to pledge with that fraternity. He also believes several of Craig's least-plausible lies, like "Judging Foxy Boxing" being not only a class, but a major; the cafeteria housing a chocolate fountain; and several of the water fountains actually dispensing vodka.

In the gym, Shirley finds Troy sulking in the mock locker room. He's dropped out of the PEE class, and feels bad both for trying to undercut Shirley and for failing so miserably at it. He wanted to take the PEE class with someone in the group in part because he wanted to do something he was good at in front of a friend, and be impressive. He lost sight of his ultimate goals and made bad choices. Shirley forgives him and offers to teach Troy. This leads to a montage of Shirley coaching Troy as he coaches Vicki.

In Pierce's barber shop, where he gets a daily shave, Jeff discovers how pleasant it is for someone else to give you a hot shave. Jeff asks Pierce about how Pierce sees their similarities, and Pierce points in particular to Annie. Jeff is confused, as he's pretty sure Pierce and Annie don't have the same… dynamic… that Jeff and Annie share. Pierce clarifies: Annie is his favorite largely because she reminds him of his first wife Caroline, whom he adored. Jeff doesn't much like this comparison, and he likes it even less when he learns that Pierce's first wife hasn't talked to him in thirty years because Pierce broke Caroline's heart cheating on her. Jeff doesn't want to hear about it, but Pierce is on a roll, explaining that he didn't want to hurt Caroline. He came to believe that Caroline would have been better off without him, and drove her away by cheating on her. Or maybe that's just a story Pierce came up with after the fact; he honestly doesn't know any more. After forty years you lose track of what was the truth and what was the lie you told yourself. Maybe they were bad choices, maybe not. But Caroline remarried and is happy as far as Pierce knows, and Pierce himself has lived a kick-ass life of excitement, culminating in living with his parents while attending community college, so it worked out for the best for everyone.

Annie and Britta confront Craig and Archie. Craig tries to, basically, prostitute Britta to Archie, but they cut him off. Annie explains to Archie what Greendale is actually like — there isn't an endless sushi bar or topless cheerleaders — and Britta clarifies that she's in a relationship with Troy. Archie is delighted to have someone talk straight to him, and reasserts his intention to attend Greendale and be just another student, a veritable background extra in campus life.

All groups converge in the gym, where the PEE class is concluding with some kind of combination graduation ceremony and coaching demonstration. Craig apologizes to Britta for trying to pimp her, which nonplusses Troy and Pierce, who stand nearby. Jeff and Annie quickly reconcile: he admits he was motivated mostly by sloth, and she admits she was motivated mostly by pride. Jeff gives an abbreviated Winger speech about being honest with oneself about one's motivations, because otherwise one makes bad choices. Jeff and Annie exchange one of their usual smoldering looks. Coach Johnson starts the coaching graduation ceremony, calling in Shirley as his star pupil. She leads the demonstration portion of the ceremony, but calls Troy down to show his improved skills to general applause, and the congratulations of Coach Johnson.

END CREDITS

Abed and Chang induct Pierce, Troy, and Archie into their frat, but can't agree on the frat's name.


	8. Al Capp and Sophie Hawkins

s4e8 "Al Capp and Sophie Hawkins: American Artists"

(with Brie Larson as Rachel)

CREDITS (NO COLD OPEN)

In the study room, everyone's present. Pierce and Abed argue the relative merits of the old and new American versions of _Inspector Spacetime_. Craig enters dressed as some kind of hillbilly; only Pierce recognizes him as Daisy Mae from _Li'l Abner_.

Craig explains there will be a Sadie Hawkins dance, as invented in Al Capp's newspaper comic _Li'l Abner_ in the 1950s: the girls ask the boys out. Annie complains that she proposed a jungle themed dance and was shot down; Craig asserts that while Annie has taken on many administrative responsibilities she isn't yet ready for the "big leagues" of putting together a dance.

Britta takes umbrage with the Sadie Hawkins concept, calling it antifeminist. Craig defends it as fun, and the group largely sides with him (Jeff supports Britta, but quickly falls silent). Feeling persecuted, Britta declares she will throw her own dance in competition and Britta the hell out of it (taking back "Britta" as a verb, meaning to do something excellently). Craig declares he expects Britta's dance to be a rickety and ill-made affair, given her lack of experience. Dance organization is the most important part of a dean's job, and these things don't just come together. He starts listing off the components of a good dance, and soon pulls out a pen and paper to take notes, planning a future _Jurassic Park_-themed dance as he brainstorms.

Britta announces her dance will be held at the same time as the Sadie Hawkins dance, and will honor Sophie B. Hawkins, the tireless champion of women's rights. Annie starts to correct her, but Jeff stops her. However Shirley points out that Sadie B. Anthony was the suffragette and Sophie Hawkins is a singer whose career peaked in the mid-90s. Britta doubles down on the idea, claiming she didn't err at all. Her dance will honor Sophie Hawkins the singer, and that is what she meant to say.

The group splits up for classes. Annie finds Abed in the hall and explains that one reason she wanted to plan a dance was for Abed's sake, and if it's going to be a Sadie Hawkins thing…

Abed cuts her off, assuring her that a) he thinks they work best as friends with a quasi-sibling relationship and b) he doesn't want Jeff to murder him. Annie is confused for a moment, then realizes Abed's misunderstanding. Annie explains: she wants to set Abed up with a girl she knows; would Abed agree to be that non-Annie's date? Abed gets her to confirm that this non-Annie isn't Annie in a hat, or wearing a false mustache, or any such shenanigans. He's about to agree when Shirley appears, saying she, too, would like to set Abed up. Annie, affronted, asserts that she asked Abed first, and Shirley objects to using a simple first-come, first-served system to distribute Abed's romantic attention. Abed agrees to meet both girls, and then decide, so it won't be a competition.

In his office, Craig tells Britta she can back down without consequence, but if she promises the students a Sophie Hawkins dance they'll expect Sophie Hawkins herself. Britta again denies having erred, and insists that she'll produce a Sophie Hawkins who will knock Craig's socks off (Craig makes another dance idea note: sock hop). Afterwards she tells Troy that she doesn't have a clue how to extricate herself from this situation; how can she produce Sophie Hawkins? Troy suggests an implausible wacky scheme. He starts to brainstorm. How about, like, he and Abed dress up as two Sophie Hawkins impersonators and two awful impersonators will be equivalent to one awesome impersonator and thus no one will know they aren't the real Sophie Hawkins! Britta doubts that will work.

Troy approaches Abed to recruit him for Sophie Hawkins antics, but Annie's there first. She introduces Abed to Kat, the most manic and pixie-ish of manic pixie dreamgirls. Kat has a scooter and a balloon and a pixie haircut and speaks with an affected Cockney accent. Intrigued, Abed agrees to go to the dance with her. Annie is pleased and offers to tell Shirley, but Abed stops her. As Annie and Kat leave, Shirley enters. She's eager to tell Abed about how nice Jessica is. Also she's a diligent worker who won't take time off from her job in the middle of the day to meet Abed even at Shirley's behest, but Abed shouldn't hold her work ethic against her. Abed agrees to date Jessica sight unseen, and assures her he'll talk to Annie about it.

Finally he can talk to Troy, who with Jeff and Pierce witnessed all this. Pierce congratulates Abed on being such a ladies' man; he hasn't been paying attention but he's under the impression that Abed has dates with Annie, Kat, Shirley, and Jessica, which is four women in the same night! Thus tying Pierce's own record, set in 1974.

Abed explains that he can't resist the opportunity for such a classic antic as juggling two dates. Troy respects that decision, and Pierce sees no problem with it (he's a little disappointed that Abed's going to call off two of the four, but you've got to know your own limits). Jeff looks a little troubled but agrees not to tell Annie about it. He claims not to understand why Abed tells him not to tell Annie, but doesn't think he needs to get Jeff to agree not to tell Shirley, or get Abed or Pierce to agree not to tell anyone. In response to Jeff's protests, Abed and Troy demonstrate a coordinated eye-roll they've been working on.

Troy expresses regret that Abed's antic card is full, and Pierce volunteers to do whatever cool fun thing Troy wanted to do with Abed.

ACT TWO

It's the dance already! Or dances, rather, twin competing dances with the hall split down the middle and two different color schemes. Chang DJs for both dances at once, though as he's still feigning amnesia he does a remarkably poor job of it. Abed meets Jessica, a nice Christian girl who's heard nothing but good things from Shirley. They exchange a few lines of banter; she's pleasant but all of Abed's cultural references go right past her. Abed excuses himself and stops by the coat check room to change for Kat. There, he trades his Ned Flanders sweater-vest for a hipster porkpie, and meets Rachel the coat-check girl as he checks his kaleidoscope and bible.

Kat is just as much an assembly of artifice as before; she's dancing out of sync with Chang's music and her dance partner is a Teddy Ruxpin.

Craig notes that Britta's dance is going surprisingly well, but questions whether and when Sophie Hawkins will appear. He observes that failure to deliver Sophie would be crushing for many of Greendale's students, many of whom gave up in the mid-90s and thus for whom Sophie is a very current star. Britta assures him she'll appear, but displays anxiety after stepping away from Craig. She searches for Troy, but can't find him, and is upset that he would ditch her. She complains to Jeff, who is distracted and asks her whether she would be upset if Troy kept a secret from her at Abed's behest. Britta guesses immediately that someone has asked Jeff to keep a secret from Annie, which Jeff denies. There's a completely different reason he asked that question, which… he flees.

At Pierce's mansion, Pierce and Troy brainstorm ways to get Sophie Hawkins to show at the dance. Troy suggests one of them (probably Troy, but he's open to alternatives) disguise himself as a dying child, whose final wish is to hear Sophie Hawkins perform live in concert at a community college. Pierce nixes that idea. He calls Levar Burton, or claims to; supposedly Levar and Sophie are acquainted. From Levar (or whoever it is on the other end of the call) Pierce learns Sophie is performing that very night at a music hall two towns over.

In the changing room, Abed rushes in to swap outfits. Rachel, the coat check girl, observes that she's noticed his scheme and offers him help. They joke and flirt a bit and make a connection over knowledge of romance cliches and a shared love of antics.

Out on the dance floor, Jeff is about to narc on Abed when Chang starts to play selections from Mozart's _le Nozze di Figaro._ Annie sends Jeff to intervene.

As Jeff and Chang fumble with the sound system in the background, Rachel helps Abed juggle his two dates in a series of short scenes. She distracts Kat with bubbles, engages Jessica in analysis of the current slate of GOP presidential hopefuls, pulls Abed away in the guise of a process server, and chases him across the dance floor in an ersatz game of cops and robbers.

Annie and Shirley meet for the first time in the evening; Shirley has been staying on Craig's end of the dance and Annie on Britta's. Through mutual smugness they realize that Abed agreed to date both Kat and Jessica, and is juggling the two women.

Back in the coat check room, Rachel and Abed check in. They agree that the antic is going very well, and Abed comments on what a fun time he's having. Rachel agrees and flirts with him, but when she makes the pass, Abed is oblivious; he rejects her without even realizing he's done it.

In an oddly sleazy celebrity impersonators' booking office, Pierce and Troy try to hire a Sophie Hawkins impersonator, but it doesn't go well.

Annie and Shirley (and a reluctant Jeff, who wants to tell Abed that he didn't squeal without also telling Annie that he knew) confront Abed over his deception. Abed realizes he would rather be with Rachel, and flees back into the coat check room. There he finds Vicki acting as interim coat-check girl: Rachel has fled.

ACT THREE

As Abed stumbles out of the coat-check room, Annie and Shirley (and Jeff) stop him. He just ran off in the middle of their prior conversation, which might have been an appropriate dramatic move in context but from Shirley's point of view is just rude, she says.

Abed apologizes to both Annie and Shirley, but they agree he really should apologize to Kat and Jessica. Abed admits he wronged them, but he's more concerned about his missed opportunity with Rachel. Jeff perks up at this and tells Abed to pursue her, missed opportunities are things you regret for a long time, and that he'll talk to Kat and Jessica. Annie says not to worry about Kat, whom Annie suspects hasn't noticed Abed's disappearance. She points out Kat still dancing with Teddy Ruxpin out on the floor.

Craig gloats to Britta about Sophie's absence. Britta finally finds Troy, who reassures her.

Shirley and Jeff explain to Jessica that, to put it succinctly, Abed is an idiot. Jessica's disappointed, but didn't herself feel much of a spark so can't get too broken up over it. She invites Jeff to dance (as she is on the Sadie Hawkins side of the Hawkins-Hawkins line), but he demurs and leaves quickly. Shirley shakes her head sadly and explains to Jessica that Jeff, too, is an idiot.

Sophie B. Hawkins enters! The crowd goes nuts as she takes the stage! As she sings, Troy explains that he and Pierce rear-ended her van and then Troy was going to pretend to be a tow-truck driver but instead Pierce just offered her a lot of money. But at least they wore false mustaches.

Abed breaks onto the stage and gives a short speech directed at Rachel, a callback to their previous conversation about romantic cliches.

Rachel reappears, and Abed apologizes and asks her out. She's willing, and suggests more antics, but Abed would like to try a normal date or two, which is something he's never done, go on a wholly conventional date with someone he's into. She jokes about charmed by his describing her as "someone he's into," but the joke is on her inasmuch as she is, in fact, charmed.

Shirley, Annie and Jeff congratulate Britta on her successful dance, noting that she did indeed Britta it. Britta gives due credit to Troy and Pierce.

As the dance winds down, Jeff and Annie confer just outside. Jeff marvels at how Britta pulled a win, and how Abed may have met a girl he liked, thanks to the interference of friends. Annie teases him at using the word interference, suggesting that their help was unwelcome; did Annie interfere when she went with Jeff to meet William and Willy? Jeff chuckles at the memory, and comments that friends help friends. Annie is glad Jeff is her friend. He's glad Annie is his friend, too, he says, and then there's a silence. Impulsively Jeff leans down and gives her a quick kiss. He pulls back, uncertain, but she smiles and very deliberately pulls him close to her, kissing him with mounting intensity.

END CREDITS

Sophie sings a little for Troy and Abed, and then Craig.


	9. Cooperative Cacophony

**Author's Note: I just couldn't figure out a way to make puppets work.**

s4e9 "Cooperative Cacophony"

COLD OPEN

The group (Chang included) sits in stony silence around the study table. No one looks anyone else in the eye. Some, such as Annie and Shirley, feign intense study. Others, such as Britta and Pierce, simply glower. Only Abed sits placidly.

Craig bursts in, dressed as a clown. He brings an important message: there needs to be no more clowning around poolside, because Vicki slipped and broke her ankle. When the only reaction is a mordant chuckle from Pierce, Craig frowns. Generally that would at least get an 'ooh' of sympathy from Annie and Shirley. Craig asks what happened to provoke such a grim mood.

Everyone shuffles in their seats and looks uncomfortable. Troy says things got a little heated, which provokes a jump cut! The scene flashes back to the night before: everyone in the group shouting angrily at one another. They point, they scream, heavy metal music plays over the audio drowning out whatever they're arguing about.

Back in the present, Craig is surprised to hear the group has collapsed like this; usually their disputes blow over within a half-hour or so. However, Craig has just the solution to this communications breakdown: puppets! Everyone looks at him quizzically, but he holds up a hand to indicate he can explain. From a locked cabinet in a nondescript corner of the room, Craig produces a box containing handmade puppets approximating each member of the study group. He cuts off their questions, insisting that he has puppet versions of the study group on hand for perfectly legitimate Dean-related tasks. It is absolutely not the case that he sometimes puts on impromptu puppet shows, for himself, late at night.

As Craig passes out the puppets, Britta comments that puppet therapy is a totally legit thing which, as basically a therapist, she sees the value of and endorses. The group grudgingly accepts the puppets, until Jeff throws his down. No, he says. They are definitely not doing that. No puppet therapy. It's not going to happen.

Craig insists that they collectively get to the bottom of this communications breakdown somehow, and criticizes Jeff for, as usual, trashing the puppet idea while offering no intimacy or connection of his own. Fine, says Jeff. But no puppets. If it will get them out of puppets, then Jeff will explain their fight.

CREDITS

ACT ONE

Seconds after the cold open, Jeff begins to explain, but Annie cuts him off. The story needs to be told right, she says, and that means Jeff can't be trusted to tell it. Jeff retorts that he's more than capable, and just because someone wants to do something differently than how Annie wants to do it, that doesn't mean they're automatically wrong. Annie scoffs, but as she asserts that Jeff is arguing in bad faith, Jeff raises his hands in mock surrender. Fine, fine, Annie can tell it.

The scene flashes back to earlier the night before, with Annie providing a minimal amount of expository voiceover narration. The group has gathered to study for their history exam (covering everything from the Nazi invasion of Poland to the beginning of Operation Barbarossa in 1941). Pierce shows up a little late with some homemade brownies, which he asserts were made with chili powder and habanero peppers, just like the ancient Mayans used. Abed doesn't think that sounds right.

Shirley questions Pierce's sudden interest in baking, especially since the group no longer permits her to bring baked goods to study sessions. He laughs it off, explaining that he's spent time mastering all of the special skills each member of the study group brings to the table. If Troy were to disappear, for instance, Pierce is right there with the cool friends handshake for Abed. Or vice-versa! The only skill Pierce can't duplicate, he says sadly, is Jeff's overwhelming gayness. Everyone laughs at Pierce's witticism.

Back in the present, Jeff complains that Annie was telling the story, not Pierce, so Pierce should knock it off. Pierce shrugs, and says that he just wanted to make sure the good parts were included. Annie rolls her eyes.

The flashback resumes, with Annie's more honest retelling. Pierce comments on Jeff's overwhelming gayness, but everyone simply stares at him. Shirley opens her mouth to protest, or continue the argument, but Annie elbows her and mutters not to engage. Instead the group moves on: everyone takes a brownie. Even Chang eats one; he isn't in the class and thus isn't part of the study session, but he likes brownies.

Shirley is suspicious about the taste of the brownies, which are definitely rightfully so as it turns out: once everyone has eaten one (or half of one), Pierce gleefully announces that the brownies were laced not with chili powder, but with pot! He got pot brownies from his connection! Shirley and Annie are aghast, but Britta objects. She knows from pot brownies, and they definitely are not pot brownies. They taste a little off, but not in the way that pot brownies taste. These taste like oregano.

Jeff asserts the odd taste is probably oregano and actual chili powder, or perhaps paprika; plainly Pierce's connection ripped him off. This assurance mollifies the group in general and Annie in particular.

Out of flashback, Shirley complains that whenever she shows up with baked goods it's a whole big falderal, but when Pierce has suspicious brownies (suspicious brownies!) the group just falls over themselves for them. With a heavy sigh, Jeff tells her that they've been over Shirley's issues with baking before and that's not under discussion at the moment. Everyone agrees, even Craig, who's heard about Shirley's penchant for drowning her sorrows in cookies.

An hour or so passes in a series of quick fades. Annie (in voiceover) explains that the brownies were indeed laced with something. They don't know what it was, exactly, but everyone became very… loose lipped.

Non-voiceover Annie asks Jeff to pass a highlighter unless that's too much of a reach and an unreasonable request. Jeff hands her the highlighter, insisting that he really does care about her, the highlighter is a small token but there's a depth of feeling that frightens him sometimes.

Off the shocked expressions of the rest of the study group, Jeff clarifies that he knows what everyone is thinking, but no, he and Annie did not have sex after the Hawkins-Hawkins dance. They just made out, which was really wonderful, but…

Annie cuts him off because the story needs to be told right. She asserts that they, Jeff and Annie, are not a couple! No one needs to worry about them maybe being a couple! Jeff made that very clear indeed, that they aren't a couple.

Shirley starts talking in a running monologue, apparently not realizing she's verbalizing her inner thoughts, first commenting on objects on the table and wondering whether the "pot" brownies had any effect on her, and then about how any fool could see Jeff and Annie circling one another for a ridiculous amount of time and if either of them were half as mature as they try to act, then they wouldn't be in whatever their current mess is.

Chang interjects that they would have such beautiful babies, though. He, Pierce, and Shirley all coo in consensus: beautiful babies.

Britta loftily declares that her relationship with Troy is heads and shoulders more functional than anything Jeff could have with anybody, making reference to the months when she and Jeff were lovers.

Troy takes this reference badly, and complains that it's classic Britta to lay out those offhanded references to things Troy doesn't know or hasn't done. Men Britta's slept with, weird sex things and drugs and the price of New York real estate; it makes Troy feel inadequate and he's sick of feeling inadequate! He's a very adequate man.

Jeff assures Troy that he is indeed quite adequate, which prompts Annie to protest. Jeff's willing to call Troy adequate, yet won't say the same about her? Maybe Troy and Jeff should make out!

Britta would like to see that, she muses, as Jeff tries to explain himself to Annie (who wants none of it).

There's a beat of everyone looking at one another sullenly.

Abed breaks into song — "Bad Romance," by Lady Gaga. Pierce joins in, although he doesn't know the words or melody.

ACT TWO

As the scene opens, Abed and Pierce are still singing, with Chang harmonizing, but most of the audio is Britta and Shirley fighting. Shirley blames Britta for the dosing because she's a "druggie person" and created the permissive atmosphere that made Pierce think it was okay to drug everyone. Britta calls Shirley a "judgey person" and declares that's ten thousand times worse than being a druggie person, and also she used to live in New York.

Annie interjects, partly on Shirley's behalf and partly just to say that having lived in New York for a couple of years is not that great an achievement. Britta turns on Annie, asking what she's ever done, noting that Annie herself is a former user, which is something the group never ever discusses, is Annie's incredibly fraught history. Even in situations where it would make sense organically to mention Annie's crazy past, they never bring it up, what is up with that?

Annie tears up. As Jeff berates Britta for being not cool (the worst thing anyone could be), she tries to downplay Britta's comments. They came, after all, from Britta; Britta tosses around crazy opinions all the time.

Britta tears into Annie for that, saying that Annie doesn't respect Britta at all, and that if they were really friends Annie would at least respect her enough to feel threatened by Britta's past with Jeff.

As Jeff starts to pick apart Britta's words, Annie throws up her hands and declares that for the last time they are not a couple! Jeff made that very clear!

Jeff turns to Annie and asks, straight-faced, whether Annie actually thinks they could be a couple. She's the smartest person Jeff knows, and it seems clear to him they can't be a couple without it ending very badly very quickly. So if she disagrees, something doesn't add up there.

In the silence that follows (broken only by Abed, still singing quietly) Troy pipes up, saying that he isn't sure he believes them when they say they aren't a couple. He starts listing off times and places when he thinks he's seen a spark of attraction between them, getting oddly specific. Shirley interjects to agree with Troy, and Pierce complains that all this discussion of Jeff and Annie is taking attention away from the important matters, like the siege of Krakow and the Warsaw ghettos and whether Pierce has lost weight recently and isn't anyone going to comment on it?

Abed tries to get everyone to sing, which leads to everyone talking at once and arguing with one another. Voices blend together and we're back, briefly, at the flashback from the cold open.

Chang calls for silence, and gets it, somehow. He announces that he has something to say, and he needs everyone's attention. Impressed by his clarity of purpose, the group falls silent. Chang clears his throat. The group might not be aware of this, but Changnesia has a number of symptoms. One such symptom is not having Changnesia. And Chang has that symptom, which is to say, he doesn't have Changnesia, which is to say, he's been lying this whole time. He hopes that clarifies things, and thanks them for their kind attention.

Jeff, Annie, Shirley, Abed, Pierce, Troy, and Britta all look nonplussed; they all knew this already. Chang eats another brownie.

ACT THREE

Back in the present, Craig, however, did not know that Chang was lying. When he questions Chang about this portion of the story, Chang denies it. "I totally have Changnesia," are his exact words. "And I'm not being sarcastic," he adds sarcastically.

Craig shakes his head in disbelief, but he'd rather just move on. This is the part of the story he's been waiting for, the part where the group are all at one another's throats.

Abed interjects that he's taking control of the flashback now. Britta reminds him they agreed Annie would tell the story, but Annie shrugs; relating most of the first two acts of the episode has left her emotionally exhausted.

Abed's version of the story begins with an instrumental interlude; the study group rises from their seats and dance in pairs (Jeff and Shirley, Troy and Britta, Abed and Annie, Pierce and Chang). The choreography is large and presentational, directed towards an unseen audience. While out of the shot, each pair transitions from their everyday study clothes to matching costumes.

In the present, Craig questions this. He'd like to think that if the group were going to put on a production number, they'd involve him. Abed admits he added the costumes for effect. Troy starts to interject, but Jeff shushes him; the sooner Abed finishes his version of the story the sooner they're done.

The overture complete, the main business of Abed's flashback begins. In a complex multi-part song and dance number, each member of the study group gets a few moments of spotlight time, in which they bare their soul and lay out their anxieties.

Jeff worries first and foremost that he's a monster; that he's put himself in a no-win situation and cannot help hurting Annie. He fears that in hurting Annie, he will only demonstrate the truth of all the worst things he suspects about himself, that he is one of those freaks who could never love anyone. Worst of all, he's ashamed that he's at least as worried about his own self-image as he is Annie's well-being. That's just further evidence of his essential monstrous selfishness.

Britta worries that she and Troy are doomed, inasmuch as they've been together for almost six months. The last time she was in a relationship that lasted more than three months, she was in high school and it was with her English teacher. She and Troy lack common interests; the list of things they enjoy doing together is much shorter than the list of things Troy and Abed enjoy together. One thing she's sure of is that if and when the relationship fails, it will be her fault, because she always Brittas things.

Pierce worries that no one respects him; that he's seen as a buffoon unworthy of attention and —

Chang, interrupting, worries that even though his elaborate web of lies about Changnesia is perfect and utterly foolproof, somehow the truth might come out. He might one day be called to account for his crimes. He's trying to be a better person and take advantage of the clean slate his brilliant web of lies granted him, but it's hard.

Troy worries he's hit the point in his life where he should pay less attention to blanket forts and more to home mortgages, less to video games and more to providing for his family that he doesn't have. He turned twenty-three recently; when his father was twenty-three, he was married and his first child (Troy's older sister) was in diapers. He's completed air conditioning repair school, and could start working out in the real world at any time, but he hasn't because he's afraid. And he hasn't felt comfortable raising these issues either to Britta or Abed; Britta's life is severely off-track, way worse than his, and Abed's stuck in perpetual adolescence which is great for him, but not how Troy wants to live the rest of his life.

Shirley worries that she's aged before her time, an old stick-in-the-mud compared to the rest of them, grouped in with Pierce even though she's only two years older than Jeff. Her marriage continues to have issues, and her kids are still closer to her sister than they are to her. The only thing she has that feels like an accomplishment is Shirley's Sandwiches and her business degree. So she's poured herself into her studies and the sandwich shop. The sandwich shop is, frankly, not doing that great.

Annie starts to sing that she worries about Jeff going hot and cold, but shifts gears quickly. While his inconsistency bothers her, it isn't her main concern. When the semester ends, Jeff will graduate and she'll never him. When the spring semester ends, all her other friends will vanish. They'll say they won't, but they will. She'll get a job as a hospital administrator, because that's what she decided she wanted when she was fourteen, and even though the rest of the college-and-after plans she made have fallen through (she hasn't spent a semester in Europe and she hasn't met her future husband and she hasn't excelled so well that her mother told her she was proud of her). She'll move out of Troy and Abed's apartment, and that will be it for her. Making friends with the study group was a fluke; in the future she'll be alone. If Greendale is where she belongs, what will she do when Greendale ends?

Abed has no worries. His aria, the coda, addresses each in turn. Everyone will be finally be fine, he says. Jeff is a good man, Britta will not ruin anything, Pierce more or less means well and people don't actively dislike him, Chang's deception is unerring, Troy is entirely capable of successfully navigating adulthood, Shirley will find and deserves success, and Annie will always, always, always be loved. It's very facile and pat, but Abed figures that's what's called for.

The flashback ends, and everyone stares at Abed as he wraps up the story. Finally Britta breaks the silence, explaining to Abed that they did not sing, or confess their anxieties. Literally none of what Abed just said happened.

Abed is pretty sure it did. Jeff and Annie, and Troy and Britta, exchange anxious looks.

Pierce denies he fears disrespect, for the record.

Chang asserts his awesome lies could never be seen through, having forgotten that Craig just found out.

Jeff caps it all off with a speech. Doubt and confusion exist, and are real, but they're also phantoms. We can't let our worries rule us; we need to accept ourselves as who we are, not who we think others want us to be. It's our own job to know ourselves, not the job of our friends or loved ones. We owe them that self-understanding. Also, in Abed's version of events, Jeff quoted Aimee Mann lyrics, which he would never do.

Friendships repaired, the group clasps hands around the table, and Craig asserts he loves them all, not just Jeffrey.

END CREDITS (EXTRA LENGTH)

Jeff and Annie approach each other cautiously, gearing up for some kind of significant conversation. Before they can begin, however, Troy and Abed rush them out of the shot; they need to set up "Troy and Abed in the Morning." They interview Chang about Changnesia, the existence of which Chang can neither confirm nor deny.


	10. Film 410: Hitchcock

**Author's note: I suppose I've been a little remiss in not explicitly acknowledging that this is a derivative work of season four of _Community_, which itself was derivative of _Community_-as-created-by-Dan-Harmon and was the work of a whole pile of different people all trying to make the best of a bad situation. Plainly it owes a tremendous amount to the canonical season four. In my defense, I thought this was self-evident.**

**I also think season four gets a bad rap; there are a lot of interesting ideas and noble attempts buried in the overall train-wreck. This 'story' is my attempt to fix the problems I perceive in the season. Troy and Britta's relationship isn't given any room. Pierce is sidelined. Chang's subplot is one level too silly for me to enjoy. There's a real disconnect between the words Jeff and Annie say to one another and the way that they say them. Shirley doesn't get enough to do (this isn't something I've been able to address yet, but at this point we're 10/26ths of the way through the season). Abed has fewer layers of characterization.  
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**Assuming I eventually finish this, I foresee trying something similar with season five, adjusting it as needed to converge with the version of season four I'm creating. But, you know, is littered with the first 4000 words of projected 80000-word novels.**

**The format of this fanfiction is atypical, I realize, which is why I put 'story' in quotation marks up there. That's a strike against it, sure. I've toyed with the idea of writing in a fuller, more narrative style, but it would be as addenda to the episode-summary format here.**

**Finally: this is the episode where, I think, things start going in a direction. I don't know. I like it.**

s4e10 "Film 410: Hitchcock"

(with Kenneth Branagh as Cornwallis. NB each act of the episode, including the cold open and the end credits up until the cut to the Darkest Timeline, is filmed in a single long take.)

COLD OPEN (EXTENDED)

Jeff adjusts the furniture in his apartment, until the doorbell rings. It's Annie; she observes in an expository way that this is the runup to a Christmas party for the group, and she's come over early to decorate because she knows Jeff's place looks like short-term corporate housing. Jeff says are unnecessary, but he's clearly charmed as she arranges brightly-colored cushions and cloths in his drab front room. He expresses surprise at the trouble she's gone to for his place: Annie bought throw pillows and dropcloths, which he could maybe expect. But she's also brought over drapes (which he helps her hang) and a shoebox full of glass knick-knacks she arranges on a rear table. This is more work than she did to decorate Troy and Abed's front room, when she moved in with them.

Annie, teasing, explains she's marking her territory. Jeff, speaking in a similar light tone, asserts that she's playing house. They approach one another Annie mutters that there are other games she'd rather play, and they are clearly about to kiss, when the doorbell rings again. Britta, Troy, and Abed enter, laden with gifts. Greetings are exchanged.

Troy reasserts his lack of experience with Christmas parties, as he was raised Jehovah's Witness. Abed, though Muslim, celebrated Christmas with his Polish mother. Though he loves Christmas, he has only limited experience with Christmas parties, himself. Britta assures them both that she is familiar with Christmas parties from her time in New York. She lists off the common components of a Christmas party: cookies, decorations, booze, a tree, presents, regrets, colored lights, and cocaine. No, not cocaine, she quickly adds.

Yes cocaine! Pierce, entering through the open door, agrees with Britta regarding cocaine ("snow") at Christmas parties. His enthusiasm for the subject is matched only by Britta's earnest desire to retract her assertion. It was just this one time when she was in New York, she says. It wasn't even a Christmas party, they just called it that because it was December 25th. Shirley enters, and comments darkly on Britta's experience with drug-fueled perversions of the holiday spirit, though the matter is quickly dropped. Shirley knows the best way to self-medicate at Christmastime is with ginger, cocoa, vanilla, and hell, all the various cookie flavors. She's brought twenty-four cookies per party attendee, which she hopes will be sufficient.

Chang is the last to arrive. When Annie asks if he had any trouble finding Jeff's apartment, Chang reminds her that he spent several weeks as Jeff's roommate. Though of course thanks to his amnesia he doesn't remember that at all, Jeff points out. Chang agrees that he has no memory of the incident. Britta asks where Jeff keeps his liquor, and Chang points her toward the credenza Jeff uses as a liquor cabinet. He warns Britta against taking Jeff's scotch, as Jeff is likely to notice it's been taken and become irate. Instead he directs Britta towards the tequila; Jeff has a mostly-full bottle of it in the back of the cabinet. A client gave it to him, back when he was a lawyer, and Jeff doesn't drink tequila normally, so it's fine to take. Off Jeff's glare, Chang adds that he's guessing about all this, since he doesn't remember anything.

Once everyone has taken their coats off, gotten a drink, et cetera, and they're seated in a rough circle on the sofa and chairs, Annie reveals that she has good news and bad news. The bad news is that she's heard from Cornwallis's TA that the group failed Cornwallis's recent take-home exam on Stalingrad, one they worked on as a group and split into sections. Jeff, surprised and irate, insists he needs a passing grade in the class to graduate at the end of the semester in mid-January. Someone must have tanked their portion of the assignment, if they've failed.

Abed obliquely accuses Annie of sabotaging Jeff so that he'd be forced to stay at Greendale for an additional semester. He compares her plan to Stalin's strategy of taking advantage of the long Russian winter; Annie hotly denies it and resents being compared to Stalin. In fact, she's come up with a way to save their grade: she invited Cornwallis to the party. Would Stalin do that?

Would Stalin invite a jerk to a holiday party, ruining it for all Stalin's friends who just wanted to have a nice time exchanging gifts and enjoying cookies? That's how Shirley rephrases the question.

Annie and Jeff are the only people who think this is a good idea, that they can charm Cornwallis into raising their grade. Troy points out the group doesn't have a terrific track record on these sorts of zany schemes and crazy capers. Britta agrees; they're at least as likely to make things worse. Jeff counters by asserting that there isn't much of a worse things could get; they're failing, and what's he going to do, fail them more? Reluctantly the rest of the group agrees to attempt to charm Cornwallis. Pierce claims his cooperation is his Christmas present to Jeff, which means he can take back the bottle of scotch, which means, pass the scotch. Jeff responds by asserting that he didn't invite Vicki to the party, and that's his present to Pierce.

Annie asserts that they will need a strategy for handling Cornwallis, and as everyone leans in to brainstorm, the doorbell rings: he's there.

ACT ONE

Annie and Shirley answer the door and let Cornwallis in, greeting him effusively. He's chilly, asserting that he can't stay long, but acquiesces when Shirley flirtatiously requests they share a drink. Annie, unwilling to be outdone by Shirley, tries to draw Cornwallis's attention away by asking leading questions about Cornwallis's genius and mastery of World War II history. Shirley rebuts her, intimating that Cornwallis has better things to do than talk history (i.e., he can be chatting up Shirley). Annie scoffs, and protests that Cornwallis would surely prefer Annie's company to Shirley's, not that it's a competition. Cornwallis cuts off any response from Shirley; he's not very subtly pleased to have a couple of women fighting for his attention, even in such low-stakes circumstances.

Jeff, too, tries to schmooze, by casually comparing the spread of Christmas cookies to the rations issued the German soldiers during the long Russian winter of 1943. Cornwallis responds coldly. It's not so much that Jeff is transparently capering for Cornwallis's approval; it's that Cornwallis thinks Jeff is a dick.

Cornwallis only likes sycophants when they're women, Jeff decides. He retreats to the kitchen, where he finds Britta looking for something to mix tequila with. He tries to convince Britta to go flirt with Cornwallis. Britta complains that she isn't some kind of grade-whore, but is somewhat mollified when she hears that Shirley and Annie are already fawning over Cornwallis. She peers out through the kitchen doorway, and is further mollified when she sees how mild their fawning is. They're fully dressed, they wear no special costumes, they're standing casually, they aren't restrained in any way. Basically they're just making small talk. This is barely fawning. Britta has done serious fawning in the past… never mind, in fact, please don't tell Troy about this conversation.

Elsewhere in the apartment, Pierce complains to Abed that Cornwallis does not deserve the attention he's getting, Pierce does. Abed agrees that the party is overall disappointing; he'd been hoping for _Die Hard_ in a restaurant. Chang, still feigning amnesia, asks Troy a series of questions about Christmas parties, none of which Troy knows the answer to. Is rice a traditional Christmas food? How do the lactose intolerant deal with eggnog? Should you tip your barber? If you invite him to your Christmas party, do you still have to tip your barber? Is anybody going to dress up as Father Christmas or Uncle Boxing Day?

Jeff tries again to make nice with Cornwallis as Annie and Shirley pass him off to Jeff and Britta. Jeff tries again to charm, but it goes over like a lead balloon. Cornwallis scolds Jeff for doing such a poor job of sucking up. He asserts that the only reason Jeff could be making such a bald and desperate attempt is because of the C- Cornwallis gave their group's exam; that's just pathetic. Jeff is stunned to hear that the so-called failing grade which had Annie so concerned was a C-. While Britta asks Cornwallis about British television and how classy it is compared to American shows, in the process using the word 'fanny' six times, he excuses himself.

Annie was talking to Troy and Pierce, but Jeff seizes her by the arm and leads her into his bedroom, to chew her out. Stroking Jeff's chest, Annie asserts she's pleased by the party so far; it's going better than she expected. Jeff starts to grin back at her, (with that soft-eyed expression he only ever uses while looking at Annie) but quickly snaps out of it. Irate, he takes a step back from her, and explains that Cornwallis is giving them a C-, not an F. Cornwallis at a Christmas party manages to be even less pleasant than Cornwallis at Greendale, and Annie invited him here for nothing? Annie admits she was well aware of the grade being a C-. She and Jeff disagree over what, exactly, constitutes a 'failing' grade. Annie wants to be Greendale valedictorian and anything less than an A will lower her class ranking; right now she's tied for first with someone, she doesn't know who, probably Annie Kim.

Realizing he's managed to hurt Annie without even realizing it, Jeff winces. He confesses to her that he blew off his portion of the exam. He reasoned that her portion would be stellar enough to cancel out his, and the whole thing would get a grade somewhere in the C range. Surprise surprise, it did. Jeff just wants to graduate; he doesn't care about the grade so long as he passes. That's the deal the Colorado bar association offered him in 2009: get a BA, any BA, and he can be a lawyer again. He hadn't considered how that would affect the rest of the group.

Annie admits she too acted selfishly in misleading the group and inviting Cornwallis. The point of getting together with friends is to spend time with friends, not to use them as pawns in an elaborate political game or as part of Annie's ongoing war with (probably) Annie Kim. Jeff and Annie reassure one another that they're both wicked, just the worst. Man is evil, Jeff reminds Annie. She giggles, and agrees that men are monsters. They lean in to kiss. Troy interrupts, bursting into Jeff's bedroom to tell them that they're needed out front.

Out in the living room, Pierce, Chang, and Abed stand over Cornwallis, who is tied to a chair. Pierce explains that things escalated quickly. Abed and Chang nod.

ACT TWO

Britta, also newly arrived on the scene, apologizes vehemently on behalf of her idiot friends. She moves to release Cornwallis, but Jeff stops her. This is a good negotiating position, he says. Cornwallis asserts that the group is most certainly getting an F now, and claims they have no actual leverage. Annie spins a tale of Cornwallis assaulting her, or Britta, or maybe Shirley (after Shirley loudly clears her throat). He had too much to drink — look at all the booze they've extracted from Jeff's credenza, obviously Cornwallis much have been falling down drunk. He was loud and unruly, she says. He became violent: she smashes one of the glass knick-knacks on the rear table, pausing briefly in the middle to make eyes at Jeff. Jeff clearly adores seeing her being so proactive; he is looking at her like she is the best thing.

Cornwallis asserts that they may present a unified front now, but the group will splinter in time, just as the alliance between the USSR and the West quickly collapsed. He offers an A to the first person to untie him. Everyone else gets an F. The offer sends a shockwave through the group, and Chang asks if this is a usual part of holiday parties, tying somebody up. Troy thinks it is. Britta makes a so-so gesture with her hands.

Jeff calms the group, pointing out that this is an obvious gambit on Cornwallis's part and changes nothing. He turns to Cornwallis, and asserts that the group is stronger than Cornwallis thinks. The study group is FDR and Churchill, Allied bros; they'll go to the mat for one another. They're the Yalta conference attendees, not the Potsdam conference attendees. Troy notes that he understood that reference, and the group agrees that they've learned a surprising amount of World War II history, in Cornwallis's class. Regardless, says Jeff, no one in the group is willing to be the betrayer.

Cornwallis retorts that everyone wants to be the betrayer; the betrayer is the cool one who pulls something over on their peers. The betrayer is sexy and evil. Jeff and Annie, separately, react guiltily to his words. He tries to push more buttons, observing that Britta and Troy are a couple, and wondering aloud who has voiced objections. He eyes Pierce, but the older man insists that he's a good person and hasn't disapproved of interracial dating since that one episode of _the Cosby Show_. Cornwallis moves on, suggesting a Troy-Britta-Jeff love triangle, but everyone finds that laughable. Annie calls it out as a ridiculous notion, and Cornwallis asks just how secure she is in her relationship with her boyfriend, that she can speak so cavalierly. Britta interjects that Cornwallis is way off base there; Jeff and Annie aren't a couple. However, Jeff and Annie stun everyone by failing to deny it.

They haven't had a chance to really talk about it at length, and this is pretty much exactly the opposite of how they'd have liked everyone to find out about it, but… Annie and Jeff stare into each others' eyes for a moment, and their voices go low as their words become directed to one another, rather than to the group as a whole. They lean in as if about to kiss, before Chang makes a crude comment and they remember they aren't alone in the room. Shirley squeals in a congratulatory fashion at Annie, and Cornwallis snaps that it's surprising the two of them would be so chummy, given they're in direct competition for valedictorian. This is news to Annie, who's stunned to learn she's tied for first not with Annie Kim, but with Shirley. Shirley admits she kept it from Annie, but claims she just wanted to ensure it wasn't a competition.

Seeing that no one has yet been driven to untie him, Cornwallis fires his last round of ammunition, revealing that Jeff turned in a picture of a duck for his section of the exam. Shirley is aghast, and accuses Jeff of conspiring to ruin her and enrich Annie, even though that makes no sense. Everyone starts shouting, but they break off abruptly when the doorbell rings.

ACT THREE

It's pizza. Pierce had forgotten that he'd ordered pizza. Britta asks why on earth he ordered pizza, Pierce explains that he'd been worried Annie and Jeff would supply only lettuce leaves and hummus. Pierce pays the delivery guy with exact change (no tip), and passes around a large pepperoni pizza, a large Hawaiian pizza, and a large onion, mushroom, anchovy and olive pizza. He explains that he hates onions, mushrooms, anchovies, and olives on pizza, and ordered that one for the rest of the group to share. The other two are for him, though he might not finish them, in which case he'll need Jeff (as host) to supply him with some Tupperware to take the leftovers home. While everyone else protests, Troy slips the delivery guy a decent tip (something only Britta notices).

In the confusion of the pizza delivery guy's arrival and departure, Cornwallis escaped his bonds! A pair of scissors sit in the empty seat, nestled among the cut ribbons that had bound him. Cornwallis gloats that he was vindicated, and that one of the group was a secret traitor. Jeff tries to high-road Cornwallis, making a speech about how they're all flawed, curate's eggs of people. Sometimes selfish and sometimes thoughtless, sure. But they deserve forgiveness, and they have in them to be better. Everyone smiles at everyone else, and then Cornwallis implies that Jeff was the one who freed him.

Exasperated, Jeff and Annie seize Cornwallis and tie him back up again. The rest of the group doesn't act fast enough to help, and just watches them in shock. Once Cornwallis is secure, Chang confesses that it was he who released Cornwallis before. Chang isn't in the history class, so the failing grade he'd be punished with wouldn't mean anything. Cornwallis clarifies that it isn't the person who freed him that was going to get a failing grade, it was everyone else. Chang is chagrined (or Chang-grined, and the fact that he's once again making forced puns with his name causes everyone else chagrin). Cornwallis, dispirited by his inability to hold the upper hand in his dealings with the group, confesses to being a petty and smallminded man. His own family has rejected him on the grounds that he's overly manipulative. Everyone feels a little sheepish for their treatment of Cornwallis and a little sympathetic to him.

On the topic of "manipulative," Jeff muses that today, he and Annie both separately lied to the group and one another, then teamed up to assault Cornwallis, which was technically a felony. They haven't exactly brought out the best in one another. Feeling slightly guilty, Jeff offers to take the F, but Shirley cajoles Cornwallis into giving the entire group a C+. That's just high enough a grade to keep Annie and Shirley at the top of the class rankings; if they both take the hit they suffer equally and so it isn't a competition.

At last, the group exchanges gifts. Shirley gets a brownie-themed bible, Britta gets a cat calendar, Abed gets a remote controlled helicopter the size of a tennis ball, Pierce gets a bottle of scotch, Jeff gets several Greendale sweatshirts, et cetera. Cornwallis sits and sulks as he watches the gift exchange from where he's still tied up. People talk over one another, music swells, and fade to black in the middle of the gift exchange.

END CREDITS (EXTENDED)

The party finished, everyone files out, except Annie who hangs back (allegedly to help Jeff clean up). As soon as everyone else is out of the apartment Jeff and Annie jump on one another, but they're interrupted before they actually kiss when Abed opens the door again and asks whether Annie is going to need a ride later. They assure him she'll be fine; she'll ride Jeff, or get a ride from Jeff, or whatever, the point is, go away, Abed. Rather than shut the door and leave immediately, Abed stares at them for a moment and then expresses curiosity as to what they're doing in parallel timelines, which is such a non sequitur it actually makes Annie angry.

In the Darkest Timeline, Jeff (one-armed and somehow a lawyer again) appears before a judge. Reminding the audience of the Darkest Timeline status quo as of season three Jeff petitions the court on Annie's behalf. Ever since she accidentally shot and killed Pierce, she's been separated from society. Jeff requests she be released into his care, asserting in essence that Annie is too sexy for mundane laws to apply to her.

When the motion is granted, Annie leaps into his arms and cackles with glee. They start to make out on a courtroom table. A bailiff tries to intervene, but shrinks back when Annie snaps a torrent of invective at him. As the bailiff cries, Jeff laughs and says he loves it when Annie is evil.


End file.
